Every Ugly Word Read online

  “Dex?”

  “Everyone.”

  •••

  I was at prom.

  I was at prom.

  I swayed on the dance floor in the arms of a good-looking baseball player. And no one pointed or laughed. Not even Finn, who was dancing with some blond sophomore who looked like a carbon copy of Karyn.

  Dex wrapped his arms around my waist. He’d taken off his jacket and pulled his tie loose to dangle on his chest. I played with it while we danced, my fingers following it up his chest, to his neck, where his shirt lay open to reveal that triangle of skin at his throat. When I touched it, his breath caught.

  I lay my head against his chest. His heart thumped and pulsed fast and I smiled wider. Dex leaned down and his lips touched the skin under my ear, sending jolts across my skin and down my arm. I turned my chin to meet him halfway and stopped breathing when he kissed me.

  His lips slid softly across mine, and I sank into the sensation of it, letting myself feel the tingle in my belly, and the goose bumps prickling my skin. When we pulled apart. I ducked my chin and snuggled into his chest, barely moving to the music.

  “Are you thirsty?” he asked a few songs later.

  “Sure,” I said, fanning myself with my hand. I stood at the edge of the dance floor, watching his back as he walked toward the drinks table. I swallowed hard. He looked really good.

  “Enjoying yourself?”

  I turned to find Matt standing next to me, hair slicked back like some fifties gangster, jacket off, tie already gone. He looked amazing.

  Except for the twitching muscle at the back of his jaw.

  “Apparently more than you are,” I said. “What’s up? Where’s Karyn?”

  “Can we talk?” He nodded toward the exit.

  Confused, I followed him through swinging fire doors into a deserted hallway. When we were a few feet from the door, I put a hand on his arm. “What’s going on?”

  Matt whirled on me. “You told someone, didn’t you?”

  I jerked back a step. “Told someone what?”

  “About the afterparty. That the boys would be there, too.”

  Inside the dance, the DJ changed to a fast song. The crowd cheered. I stared at Matt. “What are you talking about?”

  Matt leaned in. “Someone told Terese’s mom the truth. She’s picking Terese up right after the dance, and threatening to tell the other parents the truth, too. If they all find out, the party’s ruined.”

  I frowned. “What’s that got to do with me?”

  He raked a hand through his hair. “Everyone else is really excited for tonight,” he said pointedly.

  “Wait. You think I told?” I rubbed my hands up and down my arms, suddenly freezing. “I wouldn’t do that, Matt. How could you even—” I gasped, realization dawning. “Karyn said it was me, didn’t she!”

  For the first time, Matt looked uncertain. Then he fixed me with a hard look. “Ash, this wasn’t the time to get revenge, or whatever. You might not just ruin it for Karyn. You might ruin it for all of us.”

  “I didn’t ruin anything!” I wanted to grab his shirt and shake him.

  “Then who told?” he demanded.

  “I don’t know!” Though I had a strong suspicion. Finn. No doubt he was jealous of Karyn sleeping with Matt, and he was just selfish enough to ruin the party to keep it from happening. Not that I could tell Matt that. So far, Finn had held up his end of the bargain. I had to hold up mine.

  The door to the hallway opened again, and a giggling couple emerged. The guy pressed his date against the wall and began making out with her. Matt sighed in exasperation and pulled me farther down the corridor.

  “I can’t believe you’d listen to her over me!” I said.

  “Why not?” He was strung tighter than a coiled spring. “You aren’t listening to me anymore. You won’t come anywhere when I invite you, but Dex snaps his fingers and suddenly you’re there.” He pointed a finger at me. “You’ve changed, Ash. I don’t know what’s going on with you anymore. For all I know, you and Dex did this together. Maybe you’ve forgiven him, but I remember what he used to be like.”

  At that, something inside me snapped. Anger coursed through my veins. I shoved Matt in the chest so he stumbled back a step. “No! You don’t get to treat me like they do! You’re my best friend. You’re the only one who . . .” I closed my eyes, struggled for control.

  Matt’s mouth dropped open. I moved to shove him again, unable to find any other way to express how pissed off I felt, but he caught my hands at the wrist, his face softening just when I needed him to be angry so I could be angrier back.

  “Ash—”

  “No!” I fumed. “I didn’t do it, and you know it. I can’t believe you’re siding with them!”

  He frowned. “I’m not siding, it just makes sense—”

  “To who?” I looked at him, pleading. Confusion flittered across his face. His grip on my wrists tightened and for a second I thought he would pull me closer. But then he swallowed and his gaze dropped to our hands.

  “I just can’t think of anyone else who’d want to,” he said softly. “It seemed like . . . maybe you didn’t want me and Karyn to . . .”

  A blush rose in my cheeks. He thought I’d done this so he couldn’t sleep with Karyn. Yanking my hands out of his grip, I took a step back. Then another. I took in the guy who I thought was my best friend. In that moment, I barely even recognized him.

  Matt’s brow furrowed. “Ash—”

  “I didn’t do it. And even though I’d love to see those girls get a taste of their own medicine, I never would have done it because it would have hurt you,” I admitted in a voice barely above a whisper. “And you, of all people, should know that.”

  Matt’s face dropped in surprise. But then he swallowed. “I-I’m sorry . . . I just—”

  I turned and fled. Because the truth was, even though I hadn’t told, there was a part of me that hoped all their nights were ruined.

  They all deserved it.

  Maybe even Matt.

  Chapter Twenty-one

  Doc looks surprised. “So you finally stood up to Matt. Did you call him out for ruining your prom?”

  “Doc, that fight was just the tip of the iceberg.” The bitterness in my voice is plain, even to me.

  Doc’s gaze sharpens. “So what happened next?”

  I press my toes into the carpet to stop the feeling of vertigo. “What didn’t?”

  •••

  After I stormed away from Matt, I spent ten minutes in one of the bathroom’s handicap stalls, pulling myself together. I knew I couldn’t go back to the dance with bloodshot eyes. But every time I thought of Matt’s tight jaw, of his hands so hard on my wrists, the tears sprang up again and I had to start over, breathing away the urge to cry.

  When I had myself in check, and the mirror revealed clear eyes, I took a deep breath. “Are you there?” I said cautiously to the surface. I waited, but she never showed. Finally, I left the bathroom and walked down the hall, toward the auditorium. Toward whatever the rest of the night held.

  I found Dex at a corner table. Eli sat next to him, his date on his lap as they made out.

  Dex stood up, beaming, and hugged me to his chest. “There you are!”

  “Yeah, sorry,” I said into his shirt. “I had to call my mom and—”

  “Don’ worry ’bout it,” Dex said, tipping my chin up. “I missed you.” He lowered his lips to mine. At first I welcomed the contact, needing comfort after my confrontation with Matt. But then Dex deepened the kiss. His tongue slipped across my bottom lip, and I tasted the sweet, sickly tang of alcohol.

  I tried to pull back, but he followed me, his lips never losing contact. When I turned my head away, he kissed his way down my jaw and neck.

  “Dex . . .” I gave him a gentle shove.

  “You’re so hot, Ashley,” he whispered, grabbing my butt.

  I gripped his shirt, taken off guard. Then I pushed him back for real. His face was slack an
d his temples were sweaty.

  I felt chilled. “Have you been drinking?” I asked quietly.

  His brows pinched in over his nose. “Barely.” He looked around us, smiled nervously at someone, then pulled me closer again.

  I let him, but didn’t lift my chin for another kiss. I swallowed hard. “Is that okay? I mean, aren’t you just out of rehab?” I asked carefully.

  Dex shook his head, muttering something I didn’t catch. “I’m a drug addict, Ashley. Not an alcoholic.” He said it like I should have known better. Liked I’d pissed him off.

  I considered calling him on it, but I didn’t want to ruin the night. And if he had a couple of shots for courage, well, I could understand that. Pushing away the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, I let my hands slide up his chest and locked my fingers at the back of his neck. When he kissed me again, I tried to get into it. Tried to ignore the pungent tang on his breath. I should have been ecstatic. But I was uncomfortable and awkward. And embarrassingly close to tears.

  Dex didn’t seem to notice when I turned my face away. His fingers stayed at my neck and he dragged his lips across my cheek to whisper in my ear, “I can’t wait to see you without that dress.”

  I froze. Everything inside me resisted the idea. I opened my mouth to say it, but Liam stepped up to Dex’s shoulder and patted his shoulder.

  “Dude, we have to get out of here. Some of the girls’ parents are starting to call—they heard about the party.”

  Dex grabbed my hand and pulled me along in Liam’s wake. Around us, everyone was grabbing jackets and purses and hurrying away from the table, headed in the same direction.

  I didn’t want to go to the party, but I had to. I’d already been accused of ruining everyone else’s night. If I left now, left Dex, they’d all think I was the rat.

  No way was I letting Finn pin that on me.

  “I think you better let me drive tonight,” I said in a low voice as we trotted down the cement steps outside.

  Dex frowned. “I’m fine, Ash,” he muttered. “Your mom said you could go tonight, right? She isn’t going to show up?”

  “All the more reason to get there safe, right?” I said carefully, holding out my hand.

  I saw him brace and for a second I was afraid we’d really argue and the night would be ruined after all. But then he shook his head.

  “Okay, sure. But you’ll owe me,” he said, winking.

  I forced a laugh and tried not to snatch the keys when he held them out.

  •••

  It was a long drive, well over an hour. Dex seemed to sober up a little as we went. Perhaps if he didn’t drink any more we could still salvage the night, I thought. I glanced to the side, examining Dex’s profile in the constantly moving light of traffic on the freeway.

  He caught me looking and smiled, laid a hand on my knee and squeezed. “You having fun?”

  I swallowed and kept driving. “Yeah, of course.”

  The beach house glimmered on the edge of sand dunes. It was a massive, two-story square with a wraparound porch and gabled windows in the roof. I pulled the car off the wide driveway to a grassy spot under a tree and turned it off. Without the engine noise, all I could hear was the sound of breaking waves.

  I grabbed Dex’s hand and smiled when he looked at me. “Let’s go for a walk on the beach.”

  “Let’s take our bags and stuff inside first, though, okay?” Dex said, eyeing the house. I nodded and he grabbed both our bags, throwing them effortlessly over one shoulder. Then, hand in hand, we crossed the driveway.

  Music drifted out of every window and open door. Light spilled across the deck and onto the grassy dunes below. A guy leaned against the railing of the porch, nursing a beer.

  “Hey, Eli. When’d you get here?”

  Eli, the bead necklace visible in the open neck of his shirt, turned and grinned back.

  “Dex! You made it!” He grinned when he looked at me and stood straight, giving Dex two thumbs-up. “And you got another girl through the parental barricade. Good work.”

  Dex nodded. “Where’s Lanie?”

  Eli’s eyes widened, like he’d suddenly remembered his date. Then he looked around. “Um, she’s here somewhere . . .”

  It wasn’t until Dex had tugged me past and we were walking into the house that I realized that Eli hadn’t insulted me.

  The French doors opened into a long living room, where Liam sat slumped on a leather couch, his arm around Layla. “Do we just find a room?” Dex asked.

  Liam winked. “First come, first served.” They both laughed but it took me a second to get the double meaning. I pulled Dex away.

  He came willingly, moving past to tug me up the stairs to a wide hallway with a carpet runner and round brass light fixtures. He opened a couple of doors until he found an empty one. “Here we go!”

  The room had a closet and a tiny en suite bathroom to the left. A fluffy comforter covered the queen-size bed. Dex dropped our bags at the end of the bed, then took my chin in one hand and made me look at him.

  “Tonight is going to be so much fun,” he said.

  “Yeah, sure.” I said.

  It had become my pat answer to everything.

  Wanna go to prom, Ashley? Yeah, sure.

  Wanna go to Finn’s beach house for a party? Yeah, sure.

  Wanna become the slut everyone already thinks you are?

  Yeah . . . sure . . .

  Dex dropped his mouth to mine and kissed me. Deeply. Then nudged me toward the bed. I tensed. My hands came up to his chest and he pulled me in tighter, kissing my neck as one hand drifted up my side to my ribcage.

  “Dex,” I gasped. “I can’t . . .”

  “Don’t worry,” he whispered against my neck. “We’ll fool around for a while first.”

  “That’s not what I meant.” I pushed at his shoulders, but he just twisted a little and took my lips again.

  “Relax.”

  I pulled back. “Dex! I’m not kidding.”

  “Neither am I,” he said, voice husky. “We’re good together, Ash.”

  He palmed my breast through my dress. I shoved him away, hard, and he stumbled back at the same time I stepped away from him, toward the door. He ended up next to the bed, panting. When he’d regained his balance, he glared at me.

  “What the hell’s your problem?” Dex growled.

  I smoothed down my dress. “This is too fast. I’m not . . . You’re acting like it’s just a done deal. And it’s not. I’m not. I mean . . . I won’t do it. Not tonight. I’m sorry if you thought—”

  His jaw dropped. “I asked you to come with me overnight, Ash. What did you think I was asking?”

  I clenched my teeth. “I thought you wanted to take me to prom.”

  Dex pushed up his shirt cuffs. “I did everything you wanted. I made a big deal out of asking you. I got you flowers and did the stupid pictures. I danced with you—”

  “Groped me on the dance floor, you mean,” I shot back.

  “You want me to apologize for finding you attractive?”

  I threw my arms in the air. “No, I want you to care more about how I feel than you do about feeling me up!”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “You’re unbelievable.”

  “Why? Because I won’t drop my panties the second you snap your fingers?”

  “No,” he answered. “Because you make this big deal about not being like them, then you use me just to get you here tonight.”

  “What?” I gasped.

  Dex gave me a wry look. “Oh, don’t play stupid with me, Ash. I know you’re in love with Matt. Everyone does. It’s obvious.”

  “Whatever.” I turned to look at a pen and ink drawing of tern on the wall so he wouldn’t see me blush.

  He put his hand on my shoulder. “But I thought we had something. I thought maybe you’d see that he’s not interested, and you’d give us a shot.”

  I whirled back around. “I gave you a shot last year. Look where that got me.”
/>   “And I apologized!”

  “Oh, you’re right, Dex. That makes it all better!” Tears welled up in my eyes and I swiped them away with the back of my hand. “Let’s go sleep together now!”

  Dex shook his head. His hands clenched to fists at his sides, and his jaw tightened. “I can’t believe I wasted this night on you.”

  The blow landed. I took a step back. “You’re just as bad as they are.”

  “Yeah, well, so are you. Find yourself a ride tomorrow,” he snapped, pushing past me. “We’re done.”

  After he slammed the door, I stood there trembling, staring at it. I replayed the entire conversation, trying to figure out exactly where everything had gone wrong, and my stomach sank.

  Was he right? Had I used him? I squirmed. Maybe. Probably. I’d wanted to go to prom so badly . . . it almost didn’t matter with whom. And he’d done all those romantic things—asking me out at school, buying me a corsage, borrowing his mom’s car. He’d even performed the miracle of all miracles: He’d gotten Finn off my back for an entire night.

  I stood and started pacing the room, filled with doubt. Maybe I’d overreacted. Maybe if I’d been honest with him up front he would have agreed to keep it PG-13 tonight. Or, I could have just slowed things down. Maybe I should apologize. Let him see that I hadn’t meant to reject him.

  Before I could chicken out, I yanked the door open, padded along the hall and down the stairs. Laughter and voices traveled up from the living room, drifting over the music and the deep bass that thumped in the old floorboards.

  But just as I got downstairs, Dex’s voice rose from right around the corner, stopping me in my tracks.

  “. . . don’t think she’d do it. Seriously. She’s trying way too hard to get in with everyone.”

  The high-pitched cackle that followed that comment raised the hairs on the back of my neck. Brooke. “She’s such a loser. Why are you even here with her?”

  “Shhhhh, keep it down. I don’t know where she is.” He sounded loose, like he’d found another shot or two.

  “Who, Ashley?” she said, too loudly.

  He shushed her again. “Stop it!” But there was a smile in his voice. Then Brooke squeaked and shuffled footsteps rose over the music.