Breakable Read online

  But then there was a faint knock at the front door.

  Dex was here to pick me up.

  Mom slapped the condom into one of my hands, then shoved past me without another word, slamming my door behind her.

  For a second I was sure she’d send Dex away – and I felt relieved. But then I remembered Finn and the letter.

  “Stacy?” Older Me breathed from the mirror.

  I turned. The look on her face – pure pain – took my breath away.

  “Please. Don’t go to the party,” she said quietly.

  “Don’t you start.” Truth was, I wished I could take her advice. But she didn’t know about the letter. If she found out about that, she’d hate me too.

  The sound of footsteps down the hallway broke though everything else.

  Mom sent him to my room?!

  With a little yelp, I turned circles looking for my purse. But there was a light knock on my door.

  “Stacy?” Dex said quietly. The door started to open. I shoved the condom deep into my pocket and stepped up to the mirror, playing with my hair as if I was trying to get it to lay right. “Hey, you look great!” he said from the now-open doorway.

  Older Me held my eyes in the mirror, pleading silently with me. I would have killed to know what she was so upset about.

  “Thanks,” I said, relieved that my voice sounded normal, if somewhat subdued.

  “Are you ready?”

  “Almost.” I turned away to grab my purse from the bed. I picked it up and rifled through, pretending I was looking for something, when really I was avoiding looking at him.

  I didn’t hear him step closer, but suddenly his hands were on my arms and he turned me around. For a second, the ache of wishing it was Mark touching me was so sharp, I couldn’t breathe.

  I still couldn’t look at Dex. He’d see handprints on my cheeks.

  “Hey, you okay?” His voice sounded gentle. I wanted to throw myself into his chest and cry simply because he was there. But this was Dex. I still hadn’t forgiven him. And besides, the only reason I was going to this party was to get my letter back.

  I shrugged. “I guess.”

  One of his hands rose to touch under my chin, force it up, force me to look at him. I sighed and let him. After all, I wasn’t going to be able to avoid looking at him for the whole night.

  Dex stared me right in the eye, his penetrating blue eyes slightly narrowed. He was frowning.

  He’d used something in his hair to make it stay. It looked shiny and perfect. His hands were gentle where they touched me. But large enough to circle my arm completely. The skin of his fingers was cool and firm.

  I took in the perfect leather jacket over his massive shoulders, the trim waist and strategically ripped jeans.

  He looked amazing. And he was looking at me like he cared. His eyes pulled something out of my chest. The grim set of his mouth and jaw made me wonder what he saw on my face.

  “I said, are you okay?” he asked softly, and the gentle tone was such a stark surprise, I answered him.

  “Not really. But…”

  “It’s just a party. We’ll get through it together. We’re both new. We can share the stares.”

  My mouth dropped open. Who was this guy? I stepped back, out of his grip, still staring. The corners of his mouth twisted up, but he eyed me warily.

  “Why are you being so nice?”

  “You don’t want me to be nice?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Of course I do. It’s just that… I don’t understand who you are now,” I said, surprising myself. It was like the fight with Mom had blown out all my filters.

  Dex put his hands in his pockets and looked self-conscious. But then he smiled and the whole room lit up. “So, let me show you.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means, I’ve changed. You’ve changed. Let’s get to know each other again. Take it slow.”

  “Take what slow?”

  He stared. His Adam’s apple bobbed. “Our…friendship,” he said finally.

  I grinned. I couldn’t help it. I knew that wasn’t what he was talking about. But I wasn’t ready to be dating him again yet, either.

  “Are you ready for this…buddy?” he asked, offering me his hand.

  “Not even close.”

  Dex chuckled, grabbed my hand and pulled me for the door. I slung my bag over my free shoulder and followed, half-afraid, half-excited of what was to come. But also a little hopeful that it might be easier to face with him around.

  After all, whether I was a freak, or fat, or any of the things anyone else thought, there was still this delicious guy paying attention to me.

  Just maybe things would be okay after all.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Finn lived just outside town, where houses and stores gave way to lush green pastures and forty-year-old trees. His driveway was a half-mile long, winding between old pines, framed by post-and-rail fences. Just as it peeked out from under the tree shadows, the stone driveway broadened and became a wide, tile expanse. Only then could you really see the house – a tall, wood and stone structure with pointed eaves that had always made me feel small and messy.

  Fairy-lights pricked the lowering dark, spun through the trees and bushes lining the house.There were already several cars parked on the tile and surrounding grass. The front door yawned wide to let thumping bass and the babble of excited voices drift into the grey light of dusk.

  We parked and got out of Dex’s car. He surprised me by grabbed my hand as we crossed the driveway. Not so surprising was when he dropped it as we stepped inside.

  The at-once-familiar-yet-strange sight of inside Finn’s house – all dark browns and beiges, tall, leafy houseplants and pastel-colored paintings on the walls – took me back to when I was ten. Back when Mark, Finn and I hung out together. Or rather, Finn hung out with Mark and me. I’d only ever been here with Mark. It felt strange to walk in with someone else.

  Music pumped through the vast living room at the front of the house where two dozen teenagers huddled in groups. Opposite the living room, on the left of the hall where we entered, the vaulted ceilinged kitchen was dominated by a marble-topped island – and a whole pack of my classmates. Finn stood profile to us, messing with a keg. He had a girl on either side, both touching his arms and laughing at everything he said. Everyone else gathered close, talking and flirting, empty cups in hand, poised for the alcohol.

  An uneasy feeling kicked in, but Dex was already striding into the kitchen to be greeted by a rousing chorus of “Dex!” and raised plastic cups.

  I was several feet behind him, suddenly feeling very awkward and vulnerable as he slipped into the sea of friendly faces at the same moment Finn’s eyes latched on me.

  “Hey, C.”

  The two girls next to him snorted.

  I could feel my fake smile slipping, so I pushed into the crowd.

  I was turned sideways, sliding between two half-dressed girls when something caught my hair. My head jerked back sharply. I whipped around. Three guys stood talking, clutching cups and sporting barely suppressed smiles. The girls either side of me laughed.

  “Really? Pulling my hair now? What are we, twelve?”

  “Oh, don’t you wish, Stacy,” one of the girls purred. I looked at her. She was a tall, lithe blond named Carla. She’d always been around, but I’d seen her circling Belinda lately. Her response didn’t make sense. My confusion must have shown on my face because she laughed. “When we were twelve, people would have actually wanted you to be here,” she said.

  “Who knows why,” her friend murmured. They both cackled.

  I shoved past them, looking for Dex. I was breathing too hard. Already feeling fragile. Breakable. How was I going to do this?

  Dex stood at the wall with four of the football guys. When I drew up next to him they all looked at me and looked away, continued arguing over which team offered their greatest competition this year. Dex laughed and argued like they’d been friends for years. Then he
pointed at one of the guys and made a crack about his form. But while the others chuckled and ribbed each other, all I could see was the cup in Dex’ hand waiting to be filled.

  When had he gotten that? And why? Wasn’t he just out of rehab?

  I licked my lip, but decided against saying anything. After all, maybe he just wanted to look like he fit in. Maybe once the booze was out, he’d just drink coke, or something.

  “Yes!”

  A cheer rose and, as if the tide had changed, the entire mass of bodies shifted, pressing in to toward Finn, piling up next to the island and talking over one another while they took turns to fill up.

  Dex and the others joined the fray, pushing past me on their way. Dex slid a hand down my arm, tugging me that way too. I waited until everyone was facing forward to tap him on the back. He looked at me over his shoulder and smiled.

  “Give me your cup. I’ll get you a drink when I’m up there.”

  “Is that a good idea?” I asked, feeling suddenly like his mother, instead of his date. Friend.

  Dex frowned. “Is what a good idea?”

  “The beer,” I said murmured, glancing in the direction of the keg. “You know… rehab?”

  Dex frowned. “I’m a drug addict, Stacy. Not an alcoholic. I’ll be fine.” His voice was short. He reached for my cup.

  “But you’re driving–”

  A great burst of laughter from those close to the keg interrupted me. By the time the noise died down Dex had pushed forward into the crowd and was joking with one of the footballers again.

  With empty hands and surrounded by people who hated me, it felt too weird to be in that room. I slid around the back. Maybe my time had come already. Finn was here and busy. I could go exploring, just happen to discover his room. Early like this, he wouldn’t be expecting anyone to be up there.

  But as soon as I turned into the hallway that was really nothing but a large, long space between the kitchen and living room, I heard my name.

  Mark and Karyn were coming in the door, Mark’s arm over her shoulders. Karyn beamed. At least, she did until she saw me there. Then all expression fell off her too-perfect features.

  Mark had chosen a close-fitting, dusty blue top. It showed the taut muscle in his chest and shoulders, and emphasized the line down to his trim waist. The jeans he wore were my favorite.

  “What’s going on, Stace?” Mark asked, looking a little irritated. “We dropped by your house to pick you up, but your Mom said you came with Dex?”

  I nodded. I probably should have told Mark I’d agreed to come with Dex. But I had never been sure I was going to go through with it. I didn’t remember making a plan for Mark to pick me up, though.

  “Sorry, I–”

  “Where is Dex?” Karyn asked in that squeaky voice that made me want to plow a fist into her nose.

  “Right here.” The words sounded cheery, and came from right behind me.

  Karyn brightened considerably when Dex reached around me to offer my cup, full of beer.

  “Uh… thanks,” I said.

  “No problem, babe,” Dex said.

  I turned to give him the look. Babe? Whatever happened to “buddy”? But he just grinned. “Don’t worry, I didn’t let Finn pour it,” he whispered, teasing.

  “I could use one of those. You want one, Mark?” Karyn said, wiggling out from under Mark’s arm.

  “Sure,” he said, though I wasn’t certain he’d actually heard her. Mark stared at me, his face blank except for two lines in his forehead. A steady stream of people was moving out of the kitchen and into the darkened living room. They were forced to move around us and it was only a matter of time until I caught the attention of the wrong person.

  “Why don’t we–”

  “Dex!” a voice called over the music from the living room.

  We all turned. Dex raised his glass and called “Hey!” then plowed off into the crowd to talk to whoever it was.

  I looked at Mark who was still staring at me.

  “I better go–”

  “What are you doing here with him, Stace?” Mark said in a low voice. He stepped closer, glancing aside at Dex, then back to me. “And what’s he doing drinking? Isn’t he just out of rehab or something?”

  “He’s a drug addict, not an alcoholic,” I said weakly.

  Mark quirked an eyebrow. “Well, that’s reassuring.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Look–”

  “Be careful, Stace. Please.” Mark frowned in the direction of the living room. “I don’t trust him.”

  “We’re just friends,” I said.

  Mark snorted.

  “We are. And besides, all your friends seem to think he’s awesome. So I don’t know what you’re worried about.”

  Just then, someone shoved past me from behind, bumping my drink arm so the beer sloshed over the side of my cup and straight onto my chest.

  “Oh, sh–!” I jumped back, too late, brushing frantically at the sickly-sweet liquid on my chest.

  “Watch where you’re going, Finn,” Mark snapped.

  “What? Oh, sorry, Stay-Cee, I didn’t see you there.” Finn stood to my left, a broad smile on his face. Karyn was at his elbow, obviously struggling not to laugh.

  “Jackhole.” I glared, but it was pointless. I’d worn a flimsy white tank-top under a crop cut, open neck sweater. My white top had plastered itself to my chest and my bra was beginning to show through the fabric. Finn’s eyebrows went up when I brushed at it again. Even Mark’s eyes cut from my chest to my face when I turned. “Hold this,” I snapped, and pushed the half-empty beer at him.

  Mark took it gently, nodding.

  “You might want to get that seen to. Or not,” Finn drawled. “Maybe you’ll be more popular tonight than I thought.

  “Finn!” Mark barked.

  “Stacy, are you co–” Dex appeared suddenly, looking impatient. But at the sight of my rapidly-being-revealed bra, he cut himself off. He stood there for a second, mouth half open.

  “I’ll be back in a minute,” I muttered. “I’ll need a ride home, Dex,” I said, glowering at Finn who was making no effort to hide his laughter.

  Dex closed his mouth and nodded. But his eyes never left my chest. Brilliant.

  Pushing through the growing crowd in the hallway, ignoring the stares and laughs as I went, I made it to the stairs at the end and ran up.

  Inside the large bathroom with two sinks, a mirror that spanned the entire wall, and a shower large enough to house a party of its own, I stripped off my blouse and ran it under water.

  Great, just great. How was I going to go anywhere tonight without drawing eyes? Like I didn’t do that enough just by existing, now I had to be essentially topless, too? I groaned.

  “It can’t be that bad.” Older Me’s voice rose from the mirror.

  I stood up straight, glaring. She took in my bra, the shirt in the basin, and the look on my face and sighed. “Finn,” she said, shaking her head.

  “How did you guess?” I snapped, rubbing the fabric together under the water. “Jerk didn’t even wait five minutes…wait, how did you know–?”

  “Water won’t get the beer out. If you want to be able to wear that top again, you need to soak it and wash it.”

  “Excellent. And how do you propose I do that at Finn’s house?” I said, my voice raising. “Gawd, I knew this was a bad idea!”

  “Then why did you come?” Older Me snapped. “I’ve been trying to talk you out of it for days!”

  “You don’t understand! She’s cheating on him, Older Me! I can’t just let her get away with it and pretend it’s nothing.”

  “So, tell him. Don’t put yourself in situations like this on the off-chance you’ll catch her doing something. It’s not like she’s going to pin Finn against a wall when Mark’s in the room!”

  “I know…but…” Tears bit at my throat. I dropped the top into the water gathering in the sink and took a couple deep breaths.

  “Stacy…” Older Me started. But the tone in h
er voice was too gentle. Pitying. I shook my head.

  “You have to tell me what happens at this party. You have to help me,” I said through gritted teeth. “I have to get out of here without…without…” It wasn’t really necessary to spell it out. She knew what I’d go through if I had to walk through the party in my bra.

  “Maybe…maybe you could get someone to call Mom, or something?”

  I gave her a look and she grimaced.

  “I’m sure Mark would run you home,” she said quietly.

  “Of course. And then his girlfriend is free to chew the fat with the guy she’s cheating with. Great idea. Thanks.”

  Older Me ran a hand through her hair. She frowned down at the blouse in the sink and sighed. “You could dry it on some towels, or something?”

  I gaped. “What is up with you?”

  “I just want you out of there!” she hissed. “It was a bad idea to come in the first place. So for goodness sake, don’t hang around now. Get yourself decent and get out of there and deal with the rest later!”

  “The rest? What rest? What happens here?”

  “Stacy!”

  “What?!”

  “Nothing will happen if you just leave,” she ground out.

  “I want to know what will happen if I don’t,” I demanded.

  But she just pressed her lips together and folded her arms. In that pose she looked scarily like Mom when Mom was being stubborn.

  With a frustrated growl, I abandoned the probably ruined tank top and grabbed my sweater off the floor where I’d dropped it. But when I put it on, it gaped open at the front since it only had one button. I could walk through the house holding it closed, but that seemed like a recipe for trouble.

  Older Me sighed. “Take a look in the drawers, maybe there’s a clip or something you can use it hold it closed.”

  I started digging through the drawers that lined the countertop. “Even if I find something, how am I going to get out of here? Dex won’t want to leave this early.”

  “No, he won’t,” she said.

  I froze. “You remember this party? You were here?” I said, holding my breath to see if she’d answer.