Every Ugly Word Read online

  I meet his piercing stare and it’s like he’s at the end of a tunnel. I can’t see anything else. My breath is short, and my skin hums.

  “And while it was happening, it was amazing,” I say honestly. “But after . . .”

  Doc lifts his eyebrows.

  I swallow. “Afterward, it was a disaster.”

  •••

  Inside the beach house, music pumped a heavy rhythm through the old walls. I shouldered past Liam and Eli as I raced up the stairs, but neither of them said anything.

  I was vaguely aware that the voices drifting up from the living room stopped when my feet pounded on the stairs, but that just made me run faster. I topped the stairs and paused at the end of the carpet runner. My eyes fell on the door of the room Dex had claimed and I decided I didn’t have any other options.

  Slamming the door behind me, I patted the wall until I found a light switch and flipped it on, then made straight for the closet-size half-bath.

  “Are you there?” I peered into the round mirror over the basin sink. “I need to talk to you. It’s an emergency!” My hands shook while I found the light, closed the door, and locked it.

  Footsteps sounded on the other side of the door. “Ashhhhley?” It was Dex. Drunk. A gentle knock rattled the old door and I dropped my head into my hands. “Ash, come out.”

  “Please, please, I need you,” I whispered, ignoring him. “I don’t know what to do.”

  More footsteps sounded.

  “Is she in there?” Eli asked.

  “Ugh, she’s probably puking. Leave her to it.” Finn.

  “She’s just being dramatic.”

  Then a comment I didn’t catch and laughter from the hallway outside the room.

  “Shuddup!” Dex again.

  Then Older Me appeared, standing in the mirror, arms wrapped around herself.

  We stared at each other. “I can only stay a minute,” she whispered, glancing over her shoulder. “I have to go back . . .”

  I forced myself to keep my voice down. “I’m sorry, but this is an emergency!”

  She swallowed, nodded. “What is it?”

  A knock sounded on the door and Dex’s voice came through, hushed and smothered like he had his lips right up against the crack in the door.

  “What’d you say, Ash? I couldn’t hear you. Come talk to me, babe. I don care if you’re drunk. Ish okay.”

  Older Me’s head whipped back to face me, alarmed as I told her what happened with Dex.

  She gave me a small smile. “So you didn’t—?”

  I shook my head. “No. I ran away and hid. But Matt found me and . . . I have to ask you . . .”

  “Ash?” Dex said softly.

  “Leave me alone!” I screamed at him. “I don’t want to talk to you.”

  I turned back to Older Me just as she jerked to look at something behind her and went pale with horror. She whispered a frantic “No!”

  “What—?”

  I broke off as a man, tall and broad, stepped into the frame. Older Me backed away. She tried to run, but he held her in place.

  His words were hushed, shoved between his teeth. “What happened? Why did you leave? They’re almost done and now they’re waiting for you.”

  The voice. Oh . . . My . . .

  “Matt?” I gasped.

  Older Me covered her face with her hands, while Older Matt stepped closer, his voice growing more ragged, more angry, as he kept asking her what was wrong. Then he looked directly into the mirror and his lips pressed in tight.

  I was so stunned that for a moment I thought his tight, angry look was for me.

  He jerked back to look at Older Me and scowled. “Again? You’re doing this now? Those people are trying to help us—help you! You know this is our last chance, right? Without this . . . I can’t keep going, Ashley. Not like this.”

  “Matt is . . . You’re with Matt?” I hissed.

  Older Me wouldn’t look at me.

  “Just give me five minutes,” she hissed to Older Matt. “It’s group therapy. Having a crisis at some point is practically a requirement.”

  “This is out of control. You said you were getting past it—”

  “Go, Matt! Before I raise my voice so they can hear me! Wouldn’t that be embarrassing?”

  “You need help,” he said quietly. Coldly. Then he turned on his heel and stormed out. A second later the door creaked again. She flinched when it was followed by the slightly-too-loud bang of it closing.

  I glared at her half-turned back, heart thumping in my ears. “You’re dating Matt?”

  Her reddened eyes met mine and her next words cut through skin and bone. “Ashley, Matt and I have been together for years. He thinks I’m crazy. He’s had me committed. Twice.”

  “What?” I couldn’t have heard her right. It couldn’t be possible. Images whipped through my head, snatches of conversation with Older Me. I catalogued everything I knew about her life . . . and realized it was next to nothing.

  “You told me you had roommates!”

  “Matt and I were roommates. In college. Later in college. He transferred before junior year. We . . . reconnected . . .”

  My mouth wouldn’t work. I couldn’t get the questions out. Couldn’t think straight. Couldn’t decide if I was furious or in heaven.

  “I could have had him tonight,” I said through gritted teeth. “But I thought . . . I left him because of what you said. How could you?”

  She hugged herself tightly, rocking slightly. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. But he isn’t . . . he isn’t the one, Ashley. Believe me. Please. You can’t let yourself love him like that. He’ll hurt you. So bad . . .” Her words dissolved into sobs.

  “I can’t believe this,” I said, shaking my head.

  “It will be okay. We’ll make it okay,” she whispered, whether to herself or me, I wasn’t sure.

  “No. It won’t be okay.” Suddenly, my anger morphed into despair. Certainty. “It’s all ruined. It’s all ruined because you lied to me. You didn’t tell me. And now I’ve ruined everything.”

  Older Me snapped to attention. “What did you do?”

  “I wrote a letter. To Matt.” It was pointless to hide it from her any longer. Might as well light every last fuse and let everything blow.

  She frowned. “I did too. I wondered if you had.”

  I held up a hand. “But I didn’t give it to him. Finn—”

  “—stole it,” she finished with a sigh. “I know. But why didn’t you just tell me? I went through that, too. And really, it wasn’t so bad. It was embarrassing, but people already guessed how I felt about Matt.”

  Hope rose in a wave. “So he was fine when he heard about, you know, us?”

  “Yes, I—wait, what?” Older Me leapt to her feet and came to the surface of the mirror until her nose almost met the glass. “What do you mean us?”

  I took a step back, stammering. “I-I didn’t . . . I mean, it isn’t as bad as you think—”

  “Tell me what you wrote!”

  She looked possessed, her eyes so wide the whites showed all the way around.

  “Stop yelling! I didn’t tell him about you, exactly,” I lied, “I just said that I . . . I had a secret . . . that I talked to myself all the time. Because . . . well, I talk to myself.”

  “Oh man. Oh man oh man oh man . . .” Her voice trailed off, but her lips kept moving. She paced back and forth in front of the mirror, tears spilling over.

  “The mirror. Did you mention the mirror?”

  “I . . .” I slumped. “Yes.”

  “Oh, no. Oh, no.”

  “Why are you—?”

  “I told you never to tell anyone, Ashley. I told you we couldn’t ever tell anyone, especially Matt. Why didn’t you listen to me?”

  “I told you, I didn’t explain it in detail. Not really.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” She breathed, one hand raking through her hair. “He’ll know. He’ll know. He’ll put it together and . . . oh, Ashley. Finally, fin
ally you break the pattern and it had to be this?” Her hands flew to her face. “Why did it have to be this?”

  I stared at her, uncomprehending. “I don’t understand. Pattern? What are you—”

  Her hands fisted in her hair. “I had an Older Me, Ash. Now I am Older Me. I wanted you to take a different path. To be free of all this! I couldn’t let you think Matt was your future because if I could go back and change it, I would. Ashley, you know what he’s like. He just . . . he keeps trying to fix me. Trying to convince me that I need help. And he’s so angry when I refuse . . .” She trailed off.

  I couldn’t breathe. It was all coming together in my head. No matter her motives, or what she thought she was doing, she’d been lying. About all of it. I stumbled away from her, but came up against the wall. There was no space to think. No space to breathe. “How could you lie to me? How could you leave me in the dark? How could you?”

  “Ashley, please, believe me—”

  I stopped cold. Then turned on her. The closer I got to the mirror, the farther she backed away.

  “Believe you? Why should I believe a single word that comes out of your mouth?”

  “You have to let me explain. We have to figure out—”

  I met her eye. “I hate you.”

  Her cries cut off as if she’d been shot. “Don’t say that. You can’t—”

  “I do. I hate you.” Since the day those words had become a weapon against me, I’d never used them toward another human being. But they were true.

  “You can’t hate me! I’m you!” she pled.

  I leaned in until I was two inches away. Let her see the truth in my face. “Exactly.”

  Her mouth dropped open.

  “You’ve been so busy lying and hiding, you couldn’t see what you were doing to me. You’ve taken everything. Everything I want. Everything I need. You’re worse than Mom.”

  Her head jerked back like I’d slapped her.

  A hand thumped on the door again. “Ash?” Dex slurred again.

  “Dude, leave her alone,” a deep voice snapped.

  “Mind your own business, Matt.”

  Oh, no. Matt was there. My Matt. Outside the door . . .

  I wanted to throw myself out there and into his arms. I wanted to run so I’d never have to see his face again.

  Older Me swallowed hard, her gaze flickering from my face to her own hands. “You . . . you don’t understand,” she whispered. “You will. I promise. I had to do it. For you. Right now it feels like—”

  “Right now everything is ruined!” I screamed.

  All voices, on both sides of the mirror, went silent. I could almost hear everyone in the room behind me holding their breath.

  “He isn’t perfect, Ashley.” Her words came out fast, clipped. “You’ve got him up on this pedestal and . . . When you get close to someone, you find out they aren’t quite the person you thought they were—”

  “Ashley? Ashley, come out. We’ll talk.” It was Matt. He sounded worried.

  Older Me stepped forward again. “You said you could have . . . that Matt would have slept with you. Why’d you stop?”

  “Because . . . because he has a girlfriend. And I didn’t want to be a cheater like she is . . .”

  “Good.” Her eyes closed and her chin dropped. “You only get one shot at this, Ashley. Don’t do anything until it’s right. Until you know it’s right. If Matt wants to be with you, he’ll still want it tomorrow. He’ll break up with Karyn. He’ll be there the way you need him. He’ll wait.”

  “Who’re you talking to, Ash? Open the door. Please!”

  “Get lost, jerk, she’s my date.”

  I looked at Older Me and she looked back me.

  “I love you,” she whispered. “I do. And one of these days that will mean something.”

  A big bang sounded on the door and I jumped.

  “Back off, Dex!”

  “Guys, guys, we’re talking about Watson here. Seriously, let’s go drink. She’ll crawl out eventually.”

  Matt snapped “Shut up, Finn.”

  “Ashley, please—” Older Me began.

  But I turned my back on her, flipped open the lock, and let the chaos in.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Doc shifts in his seat. “Seems like a lot of people let you down that night,” he says.

  I sigh. “It wasn’t over yet.”

  •••

  When I pulled open the bathroom door, Finn was leaning against the wall, smirking. Dex stood a couple of feet away, swaying. And Matt was in profile to me, looking over his shoulder. For a split second, the image of him in later years—slightly heavier, still devastatingly handsome—was superimposed over his averted face. I wanted to rush into his arms and tell him everything. But when he stepped forward with a gentle “Ash?” it wasn’t the hush of tamped desire, but a careful, wary whisper.

  “Who were you talking to?”

  My stomach tightened. “Oh, um, I called my mom.”

  Matt glanced at my empty hands before I could think to hold them behind my back. He cleared his throat. “Look, we need to talk.”

  Here it comes. I nodded miserably. “Just give me one second.”

  Then, with a grim smile, I stepped over to Dex and slapped him, putting my weight behind it. The crack echoed against the vaulted ceiling.

  Matt’s and Finn’s jaws dropped. All conversation in the hallway ceased.

  Dex glared at me, swaying, rubbing his cheek. “What was that for?”

  “You should have taken your chances with Brooke,” I said. “Because you’ve got zero chance with me.”

  Dex’s mouth dropped open. But instead of waiting for a response, I walked over to Finn, whose face was wide with amusement.

  “I find it really interesting that it was Terese’s mom who called all the other parents tonight. I mean, who called her?”

  Finn’s eyes narrowed, and his expression turned icy cold. “You.”

  I pretended to think about it. “Problem with that is, it couldn’t be me. ’Cause Terese’s numbers are all private—I know, because my caller ID can’t pick it up when she texts me about how fat I am. So I don’t actually know her number—couldn’t even find it when I tried to get it blocked.”

  Finn’s face went blank.

  “Do you have her number, Finn? Don’t your moms play tennis, or something?”

  There was a flash of alarm on his face, but he covered it well. Instead of responding, he folded his arms and moved aside, tipped his head at the door. “If you aren’t putting out, there’s no reason for you to be here. So leave.”

  “Hey!” Matt sprang forward, but I put a hand up to stop him and turned back to Finn.

  “You didn’t answer the question.”

  Finn leaned into my face until we were almost nose to nose. “This is my party. Why would I want to ruin it? Oh, wait, I already did—by letting you show up.”

  Ignoring his jab, I shook my head. “I know why,” I said quietly.

  “Why?” Matt snapped.

  Finn looked at Matt, then back to me. “Careful,” he breathed through unmoving lips, quiet enough that only I could hear. “I’m not the only one with secrets.”

  I pushed past him, livid with myself for letting him get his hands on that letter.

  Matt’s feet thumped on the stairs behind me.

  “Wh—”

  “I have to get out of here, Matt. Can I have your car, please? Finn will give you a ride home tomorrow.”

  We’d reached the bottom floor. Bumps and shouts rose overhead, but there were no feet on the stairs. Music still pounded out of the empty living room. I took a right at the bottom of the stairs and headed for the kitchen.

  “Ashley, stop!” Matt grabbed my arm again. I stopped, whirled on him. “Stay. We’ll talk, figure this out.”

  I shook my head. “It’s better if I leave. No one will be able to say we were cheating . . .”

  Matt stiffened. “Ash— Tonight . . . You weren’t the one cheating.”<
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  “Story of my life.” I snorted to cover the tears. “Look, forget about it, okay? I’m done. This is one of the worst nights of my life. I just want to get out of here and forget it ever happened.”

  Matt frowned. In the dark his brows pressed together like a couple fists. “All of it?”

  I shook my head. “Of . . . of course not. But you have a girlfriend.”

  I was giving him an opening, a chance to tell me he didn’t care about Karyn, or what his friends thought. Images of him leaning in to kiss me, his hands cupping my face, the delicious sensations of his touch, bombarded me. I wanted him to pull me to him, to promise he was going to call Karyn right then and break up with her. To promise that it would be different for us. Different from what he’d done to Older Me.

  But he just stood there, staring.

  Hope shriveled in my chest. I stepped back. “Those guys aren’t ever going to let this go. I have to leave. You know that. Can I have your car? Please?”

  Matt nodded and reached into his pocket for his keys. He held them out, placing them carefully into my outstretched hand. I took them and turned, walking slowly enough that if he came after me, tried to stop me, he wouldn’t have had any trouble catching me.

  But he didn’t.

  When I reached the car and locked myself inside, I realized Older Me had been right about one thing: Matt Gray, the love of my life and the most amazing kisser in the world, wasn’t perfect.

  He wasn’t even close.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Doc’s making notes again. I stop talking. When he’s finished writing, he looks up, peers at me over his glasses. “It seems like this was the first night you ever realized that Matt was . . . flawed.”

  I nod. “I realize now, of course, that we all are. That I’m never going to find a guy who won’t hurt me sometimes, or do stuff I can’t respect. But at the time . . .”

  “Matt wasn’t living up to your ideals,” Doc says quietly, making another note on his paper.

  I shake my head. “It’s more than that. It wasn’t just that he fell short of some stupid fantasy . . . It was that he turned out to be exactly the kind of person I thought he wasn’t.”

  Doc stops writing and looks up to frown at me. “And what kind of person is that?”