Breakable Read online

  “I’m sorry–”

  “SHUT UP!” Mark stopped in the middle of the driveway and whirled on me. It scared me so bad I stumbled back a step. But he just yanked me forward again until we were toe-to-toe. “I got you here to try and make things better, and you just–” His lips clamped down over the words.

  “I’m sorry,” I breathed. “Really, Mark, it wasn’t as bad as it looked. I just…” I trailed off.

  Mark stared at me, his brow furrowed, jaw twitching with tension. But it wasn’t only anger painted on his face. There was something else in there. Something behind his eyes that I couldn’t define.

  He opened his mouth and a tingling thrill of hope cut through me. But he closed his mouth again, took an audible breath, then said, “Get in the car.” He pulled me past him and gave me a gentle shove in the right direction. I stumbled, but caught myself. Why wasn’t the clear air of night bringing my head into focus?

  The ground swayed as if I was on a ship. The car seemed like it kept sliding sideways. It was hard to get my fingers to close on the handle.

  When had I gotten drunk?

  Mark opened the driver’s door and dropped into the seat, spearing the ignition with the key, throwing the shift into reverse, and pulling back too fast when there were so many cars parked nearby. But soon we were safely crunching down the gravel driveway.

  He hunched over the steering wheel, jaw clenched, the planes of his face lit up from the light coming in through the windscreen.

  My breath felt too heavy and loud, but I couldn’t seem to make it quieter. I watched him drive, the twist of fear pulling tighter and tighter in the face of his obvious anger.

  “Mark, I–”

  “Stacy, just give me a minute. Please.” His voice was quiet, but his eyes remained fixed on the road ahead.

  I nodded and sat back, nursing a tiny chill of fear.

  So it was true. Older Me had been right. I shouldn’t have come. It was possible I’d completely misjudged this night. Everything.

  It was possible Mark was about to rid himself of me.

  My fingers curled into my thighs, and for a moment I couldn’t breathe.

  Chapter Twenty

  A few minutes down the road my head was still spinning, but all I could think about was Mark. How he’d come to help me. How he hadn’t torn my hands off him when I gripped his arm. How angry he was…

  “Thank you,” I said quietly, without looking at him. “For helping me. With Dex.”

  Mark stiffened. “Did he–?”

  “No!” I said quickly. Then swallowed. “It wasn’t anything serious. But he was drunk and being a jerk and I was already shaken up.” I trailed off.

  Mark feels sorry for you…He laughs about you when you aren’t there.

  “What were you doing up there?” Mark sounded incredulous.

  “I was just exploring. I hadn’t been in Finn’s house for so long. And I felt nervous. After I cleaned off my shirt, I just wandered around.”

  “Into Finn’s room?” He finally turned, gave me a very direct look.

  He’s only nice to you because his parents told him it would be wrong to dump you when you don’t have any other friends.

  His gaze kept me silent for a second, but I nodded. Then, “I wasn’t expecting him to come up there.”

  Mark rolled his eyes. “And Dex?”

  I swallowed again. “After Finn found me, I ran across the hall. I just needed some space. I wasn’t doing anything. But then Dex found me, and…”

  What is wrong with you?

  Mark didn’t respond for the longest time.

  “Mark, I–”

  “You scared me,” he said, so quietly at first I thought I’d imagined it.

  “What?”

  He cleared his throat, frowned out the windscreen. “You scared me. The whole point of tonight was to get them used to having you around. It was supposed to be…quiet. I had a plan, if you would have just been patient. But first you arrive with Dex – which, by the way, is just a stupid idea all around after what he did to you. Then you just disappeared. I was looking for you and you never showed up. Karyn got pissy because I started actually searching. Then when I found you, you’re tearing out of a bedroom half-clothed and crying.”

  Oh, gawd. I hadn’t thought about it like that. That made it even worse. Shame twisted in my stomach, made me want to hurl.

  I can’t believe I brought you here. Tried to help you. What is wrong with you…?

  He laughs about you when you aren’t there.

  Mark pushed back into his seat, arms braced on the steering wheel. “You need to be more careful if you’re going to… to… get with guys like that.”

  Shame burned my cheeks, but it fuelled something hotter, deeper in my chest. “What are you, my dad?” I muttered.

  “Stacy!”

  “What? I’m just saying. You sound like…like my brother or something.”

  Mark scoffed. “Fine. Whatever. Do whatever you want and I’ll never say a word. Just remember, whatever you do with a guy like Dex will end up in an after-football-practice story. You want to take that kind of flack? Have all those guys knowing your business?”

  “Seems like the only person getting into my business is you.”

  Mark gaped. “You’re always complaining about people making life hard for you. Do you want to give them more to work with?”

  “Butt out, Mark.”

  “No, I won’t. I know what they’re like. I know how they treat girls who… who…”

  “What, who do what, Mark? Have sex? Like you and Karyn?” It came out of nowhere, but it felt good. It loosened the squeezing I’d felt since Finn brought it up.

  “What?”

  “Well, you’re sleeping with her, aren’t you? So, are you telling stories about her in the locker room? Is that how you know what those guys are like? You and Karyn haven’t been together long. Does that make her a whore? Or just easy? What do the guys say?”

  It felt good to unleash some of my jealousy at Mark – even if it was a low blow.

  “Who told you that?” His voice was low and quiet.

  Uh-oh…Um. “Why do you think anyone had to tell me?”

  Mark turned to catch my eye, “Because as far as I know, the only person who thinks that is Finn–”

  “Speaking of sphincters,” I muttered.

  “–But why would Finn tell you something like that? What is going on, Stacy? Why did you go up to Finn’s room? And why was he talking to you about me and Karyn?”

  The only answers to those questions were ones I didn’t want to give. So I pushed my lips together and stared out the window. It was only a minute or two until my house. If I could hold out long enough, I wouldn’t have to answer him.

  We drove a couple minutes in tense silence.

  “Stace? What’s going on?” Most of the anger had left his voice, but it held a note of caution that scared me more.

  I shrugged. “Finn was just being a jerk and he let something slip. I got upset because he told me how pathetic I am. Then I went into the bedroom to get myself together. Dex found me. We kissed. That’s all. He got grabby and I got mad and I slapped him, so he got mad, yadda, yadda, yadda…it all got blown out of proportion.”

  Mark nodded, but the muscles in his jaw twitched. “I think maybe Dex is the kind of guy who blows things out of proportion a lot,” he said eventually. “I can’t believe you want to have anything to do with him.”

  “You were the one who said I needed to spend more time with your friends so they could get to know me.”

  “Dex isn’t a friend of mine.”

  “Oh, that’s right, I forgot. You only call awesome types like Finn friends.” I sounded venomous. I was so sick of being judged.

  “Finn is awesome,” Mark muttered. “To me, anyway. He’s had my back almost as long as you have. He helped me talk to my Dad that time…”

  “Awesome,” I sneered. “Well, your awesome friend likes to tell me how desperate and ugly and fat I a
m.” And he kisses your girlfriend when you aren’t there. I made a face. “But you’re right, of course. That’s the kind of friend I need. Thanks for showing me the light, Mark. On Monday I’ll tell Dex that even though he tells me I’m attractive and wants to make out with me, he isn’t good enough. I need more people in my life who treat me like dirt.”

  The car bumped on a pothole at the end of my driveway. Mark pulled forward, all the way up to the door, then flipped off the lights and turned off the ignition, dropping us into silent darkness. He sat back in his seat, one hand braced on the steering wheel, not looking at me. The light from the moon and streetlights behind us lit up the back of his head.

  “Finn said that to you tonight?”

  “Finn says that stuff every day,” I said. My anger faded in the face of Mark’s calm and that wasn’t a good thing. I needed to stay mad so I wouldn’t start crying.

  “Then why did you talk to him?” Mark turned to look at me, his face screwed up in confusion and irritation. “Seriously, Stace, why would you go anywhere near someone who talked to you that way?”

  I snorted and rolled my eyes, unable to meet his because I’d fall apart. “You don’t get it, Mark. It’s impossible to avoid all the people who hate me. It sucks, but that’s the way it is.” I met his eyes and saw the skepticism there and I had to get out of that car. “Look, thanks for dealing with Dex. He was just drunk and… it doesn’t matter. Thanks. Sorry you had to leave because of me.”

  “Stacy, don’t–”

  “Go back to Karyn, okay? It’s been a sucky night and I want to go to bed and forget about it.”

  Mark shook his head and muttered something under his breath.

  “What did you say?”

  He turned to meet my eyes. “I said, turns out you were right. I wish you would have stayed out of there tonight.”

  “Well, I wish you’d mind your own business.”

  Mark rolled his eyes. “No you don’t.”

  “Yes, I do.”

  I needed to punch myself. I didn’t want Mark to mind his own business. I didn’t want him to stop caring. I didn’t want him to be mad at me. But I couldn’t tell him what was going on. In my head, I watched Finn meet my eye, wink and smile. He knew. Even if he’d lied about Mark and me… even if it wasn’t true Mark was sick of me… I couldn’t risk losing him completely. And if Mark read that letter…

  “So, you’re going to date Dex anyway? After that?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. It can’t be worse than following you and your girlfriends around.”

  Mark huffed a breath through his nose and shook his head. “Sometimes you’re a real piece of work, Stace.”

  I shivered. “Glad you finally noticed.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “I have a theory,” Doc says, in that tone which I’ve learned means he’s about to pontificate.

  Peachy.

  He clears his throat. “I believe that human beings have a tendency to live up to expectations: What we expect of ourselves, what we believe others expect of us. I believe we all fit our lives to those patterns. And I wonder if that hasn’t been part of your problem.”

  I roll my eyes. “Man, you’re just as bad as the rest of them.”

  “The rest of who?” he asks, coolly.

  “Them. Parents. Teachers. Shrinks. Whoever. Anyone who hasn’t had to walk down a hall and fear for their life on a daily basis.”

  “You feel they are – were – all against you?”

  “Not against me, exactly. But they didn’t understand.”

  Doc leans forward slightly. “Understand what?”

  I consider not answering. But hell, I’m kind of curious to see what he’ll say.

  “Okay... in high school they told me just to stay out of the way of the people who targeted me. But it didn’t matter what I did – ignore them, fight back, walk away – they’d just find me. Again and again and again.”

  He touches a finger to his lips. His face looks pinched. “Go on.”

  “So given your theory, I brought it all on myself? I pushed people beyond the point where they couldn’t walk away – to a state so aggravated, they had to seek me out?”

  “And if the answer is yes?”

  Anger flared, burning up my ribs. I swallowed it down. “I’d say you need to believe I wasn’t the one doing the pushing. Because that’s what they did to me.”

  “Pushed you?”

  “To the point that I was ready to break.”

  He looks down at his lap, grimaces, shifts in his seat. “And your incident?”

  I glare. He doesn’t back off.

  “I know I didn’t invite that.” I mutter. “I know because I wasn’t looking for them. They came looking for me. In fact, it seemed like, those last few months, it was always that way. They looked for me. And when they found me…” I trail off.

  He knows.

  I woke the morning after the party to a tectonic shift in self-loathing.

  My head throbbed. Every time I moved my stomach lurched. Between Finn and Dex there wasn’t a single redeeming memory. The night was a failure on every level. I hadn’t gotten the letter back from Finn, Dex probably hated me, and…

  Then I remembered Mark’s stony face when he’d dropped me off. How he shook his head. How he left the party to deal with me, then returned to Karyn…

  I made it to the bathroom just in time.

  Gawd, it was really happening. After ten years, Mark was finally getting sick of me. He was finally going to dump me forever.

  And it was totally my own fault.

  I dragged myself into the shower, stood face-first in the hissing stream, praying that somehow it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. I prayed Mark would come pick me up and be his nice, caring self, making sure I was okay, tell me the fight last night was no big deal. And I prayed Karyn had gotten really drunk and cheated on him with Finn and he’d found out.

  I also prayed that the earth had opened up and swallowed Dex.

  I stumbled out of the shower to dry myself, searching for a plan. What could I do now? Even if Mark forgave me for last night, at some point Finn would give him the letter and then it would be over. Mark broke up with girlfriends who got too clingy. He’d run screaming from a best friend declaring love.

  I felt so black inside I couldn’t even cry. I wanted to curl up and die.

  Walking to my room felt like running a marathon. Then I looked at the big mirror on the opposite wall and wished I’d remembered to cover it the night before.

  “Rough night?” Older Me stood in the reflection, arms crossed.

  I nodded.

  “What happened?”

  “Which part?” I dropped to the bed and stared at the roof so I wouldn’t have to see her face. “The part where Finn caught me in his room and made sure I know how pathetic I am? Or the part where Dex thought I wanted to have sex and I ended up slapping him? Or maybe you want to hear about Mark beating on Dex because he thought Dex hurt me – then getting mad at me for being in the bedroom with Dex when no one knew where I was.”

  Older Me didn’t reply. That was so odd, I looked to make sure she was still there.

  She stood open mouthed, eyes wide. “You were in bed with Dex?”

  “What?! No! I went into a bedroom. Why does everyone automatically jump to the conclusion I’m ready to rip my pants off at the first opportunity?!”

  “I didn’t think you were…” She kind of sagged. “Are you okay?”

  I shrugged. I wasn’t, but couldn’t see the point in telling her that. We sat in silence for a moment, until my stomach clenched. I’d been about to tell her she was right, that I shouldn’t’ have gone to the party. But then it occurred to me…

  “None of this would have happened if you’d told me why you didn’t want me to go to the party,” I said, discovering the truth of it.

  She froze. “Well, I wouldn’t say that…”

  I sat up, met her eyes. “No, seriously, let’s get this straight – you ins
isted that I shouldn’t go, but wouldn’t tell me why. You must have known this–” I cut myself off, she didn’t know about the letter, “–some of this was going to happen?”

  She sighed and dropped her head into her hands. “Stacy, I can never know for sure what happened to me is going to happen to you. I’m trying so hard not to…to push you in a direction that–”

  “Bull.” I said, and the anger started to burn. “You pushed. You pushed hard. If you knew it was going to be bad, why didn’t you tell me?”

  Her face came up, her eyes red, dark shadows beneath them. “Because one of these days, you’re going to prove me wrong.”

  Her words were heavy. Insistent. Like she was saying so much more than I could hear.

  “What…?” I started, but couldn’t figure out what to ask.

  We sat, staring, silent for a full minute. It was difficult to think clearly through the alcohol still tapping in my head. But one thought came to me clearly.

  “You aren’t telling me something.”

  She grimaced, then her head whipped around. She turned back, eyes wide. “I have to go.”

  “But–”

  But she was gone. Taking my anger and any kind of fuel I had to face this day with her. Oh, geez. Should I go to the art room or not?

  I should. But, gawd, it was going to be hard. I think I actually grunted when I pushed myself off the bed.

  Slowly, slowly, I dressed and twisted my wet hair up into a bun. Then I heard a knock on the door. It had to be Mark. Nerves and relief hit in equal measure. I practically ran for the door.

  The dark shadow behind the glass turned as I approached. I took a deep breath and twisted the knob.

  A very sheepish looking, red-eyed Dex stood on the other side, hands shoved into his pockets, hair still wet from a shower.

  His head was down when I opened the door. Only his eyes slid up to meet mine.

  “Hey, Stacy.”

  “Dex. I wasn’t expecting…you.”

  He shrugged. “I wanted to talk to you. Make sure you were okay. Can I come in?”

  “Oh… um… I don’t know.”