Every Ugly Word Page 19

  “You can’t give up. You can’t let go. No matter how bad it gets, you can’t let them win today,” I say. “You are better than this. You’re better than me. I’m . . . Ashley, I’m proud of you.”

  Little Me has turned her back on me. She’s wiping tears away and she’s shaking. But she’s walking to the canvases in the corner, picking them up.

  “How could you possibly be proud of me?” she says when she returns.

  “When I went to prom, I slept with Matt,” I say, feeling him tense next to me. “But he just . . . left. He didn’t break up with Karyn. He said he was confused. Then Monday, with the letter and everything . . .”

  “I wasn’t confused about my feelings for you,” Matt mutters. “I was confused about how to handle the whole thing.”

  “You were scared to break up with her and go out with me,” I snap, glancing at him, but then look back to the mirror.

  Little Me blinks. “Is he there? With you?” She peers around me.

  I put my hands up. “He is here reluctantly,” I say. “And he’s not important.”

  Matt grunts. “This is getting ridiculous. Ashley, stop. If you want to talk to me, talk to me. Don’t talk to . . . that.”

  Doc approaches, and the hair on the back of my neck stands up.

  “What do you see there, Ashley?” he asks, like it’s no big deal.

  I see through his crap but decide to answer him anyway. What do I have to lose? “I see my younger self, at the end of junior year. She’s going to fight, and she’s going to win,” I say, determined for her.

  I turn back to the mirror. “Now, listen,” I tell her. “I’m not kidding. I get it, okay? I know how hard this is and it’s going to get harder. But you can’t give up. You can never stop fighting. No matter what they say, no matter how alone or trapped you feel, you keep fighting. Because if you don’t, they’ll win.” My voice cracks again and I have to take a breath. “If you give up on yourself, they’ll ride right over you and it will never let you go.”

  She frowns. “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about your future,” I tell her as calmly as I can. “Our future. You have a chance to make yours different. I gave up, Ash,” I say through tears. “I gave up because everyone thought I was worthless. I believed them. I didn’t get to New York. I only got Matt by default. And Finn and Karyn . . . they never paid. For this.” I grab my hoodie at the hem and pull it up before I can think about it. I’m only wearing a tank top underneath. The scars on my arms and neck and chest glow like iridescent spiderwebs.

  Little Me gasps, her hands fly to her mouth.

  “Ashley, stop it!” Matt grabs my arm and shakes me, but I claw at his grip until he lets go. Doc raises his voice. But all I can see is her—her face, her fear, her hands twisted together as she takes a step back.

  “What . . . how . . . I didn’t know.” Her tears well, making my own press to the surface again.

  I nod. “I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want you to be scared. I was trying to . . . hoping you wouldn’t have to go through this at all, but . . .” How do I say it? How do I tell her?

  “What are they going to do to me?” she asks and her voice is so small it breaks my heart.

  I clear my throat. I’ll focus on the practicalities. The rest we can deal with later. She can.

  “Karyn’s going to try and destroy your art. Don’t let her. Stay between her and your boards. Keep out of Finn’s grip. And stay away from the mirror!”

  “But—”

  “Just do it, Ashley. I’ll be here. I’ll help you. I’m not leaving. We’ll get through this,” I say through tears. I know they aren’t helping. They’re just scaring her. But I can’t stop. Because I know what I have to do and it terrifies me. But it also gives me hope.

  And I haven’t had hope in a long time.

  “Ashley!” Matt says beside me, his voice tight.

  “Older Me?” she says.

  “So you really are nuts,” an oily voice says from behind Little Me.

  •••

  I gasped and whirled. Karyn followed Finn into the easel room, immediately looking to my boards. Remembering Older Me’s warning, I stepped sideways to put myself between them and my art, my pulse pounding in my ears. A stream of expletives rose from Older Me and the mirror.

  “Go away,” I said, wishing my voice didn’t shake. Knowing they wouldn’t.

  Finn just cocked an eyebrow and came to stand in front of me, hands on his hips. “You are seriously mental,” he said. “I mean, the whole school knows now, so I can see why you might not hide it anymore. Still . . .” He shook his head like a disappointed parent—except for the gleeful light in his eyes.

  Karyn looked at the portrait I’d drawn of her, and her face lit like fire. “You pathetic loser,” she snapped.

  “Hard to face the truth, is it?” I snapped back.

  Finn lunged at me and I dodged. Karyn didn’t even bother with me, just strode right for my paintings, stopping at the middle easel to examine the pieces of Matt I’d tacked to a canvas board. “Pah-thet-ic,” she repeated and yanked at Matt’s ear. The paper tore in half.

  “No!” I dove at her, but Finn got his arm around my middle and swung me back so I almost lost my feet. I shoved at him, but he just laughed.

  “You’re like one of those viruses, C,” he said. “You just won’t go away.”

  “Don’t give in, Ashley!” Older Me called from the mirror.

  I tried to punch Finn, but he easily ducked out of the way.

  “Nope, C. Sorry. Time to take your medicine, crazy girl.”

  His arms circled me, pinning my elbows to my sides and stopping me from doing anything except jerking around in his grip. I struggled, but he was so strong. Tears prickled.

  “Haven’t you done enough?” I grunted, still trying to get free of Finn’s grip. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

  “Because if I had my way, you’d crawl into a hole and die,” Finn muttered into my hair. “Failing that, I’ll be happy with ruining your life.”

  Karyn tore another piece of Matt’s face off the board. Then Finn twisted the skin on my wrist until it burned, and Karyn reached for another piece. Suddenly I understood why Older Me had warned me to keep going, because the urge was there to just . . . sag. I couldn’t beat these two . . . could I?

  “Keep fighting,” Older Me called again, a hitch in her voice. “Please. Don’t give up! Don’t become me.”

  “I won’t.” I gritted my teeth and heaved with everything I had.

  Chapter Thirty-three

  “Ashley,” Matt said, his voice rough and hoarse. “What is going on?”

  “She’s fighting Finn,” I said. “Better than I ever did.” There is pride in my voice. Of the two of us, she is better. And I am truly proud of her.

  In my peripheral vision, I can see Matt shake his head. His hand remains on my arm. “You can’t keep doing this,” he breathes and a chill dances down my neck.

  “What? Caring about what happens to me? Caring about the wrong people winning?” I snap. “I’m not going to let her go through everything I went through!” I yell, pointing at the mirror.

  Matt plows his hands into his hair and turns away. “I give up, doctor. I give up.”

  “Of course you do,” I hiss at him, turning back to the mirror. “You always have.”

  Little Me is still struggling. She’s dragged Finn close enough to the boards that Karyn’s had to move out of their way. I take a breath and dare to hope.

  “I can’t do this anymore,” Matt says in a broken voice, and I’m horribly afraid he’s about to cry, so I don’t look at him.

  “She’s having a psychotic break,” Doc says grimly. “Reliving that day.”

  “I’m not reliving it!” I shriek. “She’s living it. For the first time! And I’m going to make sure it turns out differently for her!” For a moment the blackness of that day washes over me. I’m once again in a room with two people who would destr
oy me. And I once again feel powerless.

  But then I look at Little Me, her face all screwed up. Her hair sticking to her temples where she’s beginning to sweat from fighting Finn, and I grit my teeth. She’s not giving up. And neither am I.

  “Fight!” I tell her. I don’t even know if she can hear me. She grunts and hauls herself forward, pulling Finn off his feet and onto her back. He shouts, slides sideways and almost falls. They both stumble toward the mirror and I gasp, leap forward, because it’s reflex to try and be there. To try and catch her.

  As Finn loses his grip on Little Me and she throws herself at Karyn, the voices behind me come into focus.

  “Doc?”

  “I’m calling the orderlies. We’ll sedate her.”

  “No, you won’t,” I seethe.

  Matt doesn’t say anything. Typical.

  I turn on my heel and take two steps away from the mirror, toward Doc. Put my finger in his face. “I do not give you permission to medicate me,” I say. “So you stay the hell away from me!”

  “At times that I deem to be extreme stress or anxiety, I do not need your permission to medicate you, Ashley,” he says.

  “I’m not anxious,” I snap. “I am trying to help her.” I point back at the mirror where I can hear her screaming at Finn. I have to get back there. It can’t be long until he comes. Has she kept them away long enough?

  Doc doesn’t even glance at the mirror. “There is no her, Ashley. She does not exist, except in your mind. She is the manifestation of your grief and fear. You cannot save her from the suicidal and self-destructive actions you have taken because she is you.”

  “You got one part right,” I tell him and turn back to the mirror.

  Matt hasn’t moved, hasn’t spoken since he says he gave up. I will pretend he isn’t here. It’s just one more in a long line of moments he’s let me down. I will not cry over him again. I will not. I turn back to the mirror to watch.

  •••

  I was able to cut loose from Finn for a minute, our struggles turning into a violent game of tag, in which I tried to get Karyn away from my pictures and Finn kept grabbing me, laughing when I dodged.

  Then she took the picture of Matt’s lips, the ones I drew after he’d kissed me, and yanked them off the board. I screamed “NO!” so loud my voice cracked. And instead of trying to dodge Finn, I stepped forward and shoved him.

  I punched at his chest and tried to knee him in the balls. But he was too fast. Soon I was back, pinned inside his embrace, the warmth in my cheeks fading to grief in my chest.

  Karyn grabbed the picture of Matt’s chin and tore it in half. “Whoops!” she laughed.

  “How can you laugh?” I sobbed. “You’re ruining my life!”

  Finn leaned into my ear and hissed, “Welcome to my wor—”

  “What the hell is going on?”

  Matt stood in the doorway, feet shoulder-width apart, his hands in fists at his sides. Everyone froze. Karyn stilled, her hand hovering in the air just in front of Matt’s picture—or what was left of it. Finn loosened his grip.

  “Take. Your hands. Off her,” Matt said in a voice so dark even I felt scared.

  But instead of releasing me, Finn spoke over my shoulder. “She was going crazy, Matt. Tearing up her art stuff. I’m telling you, she’s nuts.”

  Karyn blinked, then nodded. “It was terrifying.”

  “No! They’re lying!” I cried. “I would never do that!”

  Matt looked back and forth between them, then at me. I could see the confusion on his face. The question. I held my breath. Had he been so blinded by that letter that he’d believe them?

  But then he stormed over to Finn. “Get your hands off her, Finn,” he demanded.

  Relief broke over me like a wave.

  “It’s your funeral, man,” he said, slowly letting me go.

  I tore away from him, slapping at his hands, then darted across the room to Karyn and pushed her away from my boards. I knelt on the dusty floor to retrieve the pieces of my pictures, to see if any of them could be salvaged.

  She just stepped back, arms folded. “Don’t listen to her, Matt. I mean—”

  Matt shook his head. “Don’t speak to me. Don’t ever say another word to me. I have nothing to say to you. Ever.”

  For a moment she just stared at him, then she turned on her heel and flounced off, slamming the door behind her.

  “Finn,” he said darkly, and the sweet guy I loved had a vein pulsing in his forehead. “I defended you.”

  “And I helped you. That’s what friends do,” Finn snapped. “They don’t go postal and write love letters and show the whole world how crazy they are.”

  “I didn’t—!”

  Matt raised a hand to cut me off, his eyes never leaving Finn’s face. “I told her you weren’t as bad as she said. I told her to stay out of your way,” he spat, pointing at me. “And the whole time, you were torturing her and hooking up with my girlfriend.”

  “Whatever.”

  I opened my mouth, but Matt cut me a glare and I snapped it shut again.

  “Turns out, she wasn’t the only one who saw you guys,” he said through gritted teeth, leaning into Finn’s face until they were nose to nose. “Turns out, when I started asking, there were a lot of people who knew. But no one had the guts to tell me the truth.”

  Dropping all pretense, Finn sneered. “Well, I hope you two will be very happy together. Good luck having any kind of social life when you’re dating her.”

  “Ashley is amazing. She’s my best friend, and she’d never do to me what you and Karyn did.”

  Finn scoffed, “She wouldn’t have the choice. No one ever wants to be within ten feet of her because she’s a complete nut job. But if that’s your thing, knock yourself out.” He paused and I saw the edge return to his expression. “No wonder Karyn liked screwing me more.”

  Matt blinked once. Then he plowed a fist right into Finn’s face.

  Finn staggered, then righted himself. He grunted, launching himself and taking Matt out at the waist. They tumbled together, a tangle of limbs and curses flying toward my feet. I tried to get out of their way and tripped backward, falling into an easel.

  We all crashed to the floor.

  Chapter Thirty-four

  “No!” I yell.

  I’d thought she’d done it. She’d delayed them long enough to let Matt get there in time to help. But the fight’s not over yet. As I watch Matt pound on Finn, tears prick again. I wish he’d had that kind of courage for me.

  A hand brushes my arm and I pull it away without looking away from the mirror.

  “Ms. Watson? Please come with me.” The deep voice is familiar. I turn to find Alex, my favorite orderly, standing over me with a concerned, but firm, look on his face.

  I frown. “I’m not leaving yet.”

  Large hands close on my upper arms. Hands that don’t budge when I pull forward. “What are you—?”

  “Time to come with us, Ashley,” he says, already tugging me backwards.

  “What? No!” I twist in his grip and claw at his fingers.

  Another orderly with pockmarked cheeks and black hair appears. He and Alex each take an arm. I brace against the carpet. But they are mountains compared to me. I begin sliding along the floor.

  “Stop!” I scream. I can still see the mirror. See Little Me trip as the guys tumble toward her. “Please don’t take me, not now!” I plead with Alex. He doesn’t even look at me.

  They drag me alongside the circle of chairs around the coffee table and I struggle, strain and twist, but they are too strong, and for a minute I want to give up. But I remember how Ashley didn’t give up, and I won’t, either. So I fight. I kick and heave and scream until dark spots flicker at the edge of my vision. But they keep moving me farther and farther from her. Just when she needs me most.

  “Matt! Matt! Don’t let them do this!”

  He shakes his head and my stomach drops.

  “You know I didn’t lie to you back th
en!” I shout. “I’m not lying about the mirror, either! I’m not!”

  Without warning, Matt is on his feet, lips curled away from his teeth. He darts between the chairs and storms over until he’s in front of our little trio, hands clenched at his sides. “Give up, Ashley!” he roars. “It’s over! Give up!” Matt points at me. “I almost lost you then, and now I have to sit up at night after you cry, wondering if it’s gotten bad enough for you to try again. I have to sneak up to the bathroom door to see if the conversations you’re having with yourself are lighthearted, or if you’re at risk of going back into that hole. I can’t do it anymore, Ashley. It’s a mirror! It’s only you!” He turns to the mirror as he shouts . . . and double takes.

  His mouth drops open. The color drains from his face.

  Alex and the other guy are starting to turn me, to move me around Matt, who’s standing mute and unmoving.

  “Please!” I scream, scrabbling at the hands of the orderlies.

  “Let her go,” Matt commands.

  I whip my head around to stare at him, but he’s still looking at the mirror. His face hardens.

  “Matt?” I question.

  “Let. Her. Go,” he says again.

  Both orderlies look at Doc, who must have given them some kind of signal, because all of a sudden, their hands are off me. I scramble back to the mirror as fast as I can.

  I sob with relief. She’s still there. Still safe.

  Little Me stands in front of her easels, hands out, watching the boys pummel each other. In my lifetime, Matt beat up Finn as soon as the ambulance took me away. Now they roll on the floor, Finn shouting curses as he manages to get on top of Matt for a moment. One of Matt’s legs kicks out, taking Little Me in the knee. She yelps and jumps aside.

  Closer to the mirror.

  “Stop!” I plead with her. “Get away from the mirror!”

  “How are you doing this?” Matt says. I startle because he’s right behind me, his head almost on my shoulder.

  “Doing what?” I ask without looking at him.

  “This. Making this show up in the mirror. How are you doing this? Is this some kind of sick joke?”