Breakable Page 19

  “Don’t.”

  “Don’t what? Say that the only reason he’s asking you is–”

  “I said, don’t!” I threw my pencil down and glared at her in the reflection. “Gawd, it’s like you can’t stand to have something good happen to me! You have to suck the fun out of everything!”

  “That is not what I’m doing!” she hissed back. “I’m worried about you. I’m worried you’ll go along with anything if you think it will gain you acceptance.”

  “Shut up! That’s not true.”

  “No, I won’t shut up. This is important, Stacy!”

  “Why can’t you just be happy for me?! Why do you insist on raining all over everything good that happens to me? Dex is gorgeous and funny and we have history and–”

  “And you’re only interested in him because he’s interested in you.”

  Those words hit me like cold water in the face. I shrugged off the shock and shook my head. “No–”

  “Stacy, for goodness sake – when will you remember that I’m you? I know you! I know how your head works – how your heart works–”

  “Well, you don’t know this,” I muttered, slamming my sketchbook closed and finally meeting her eyes. “I said yes to him because I’m excited to go to the dance. And yeah, it feels good that he likes me. So what? He’s hot. And if it shows everybody else I’m not the loser they think I am, then that makes me feel good too. I’ve been invited to the best prom party in our class, and I’m going to go.”

  “Will you pay with your virginity?” she murmured, and all heat had gone out of her words. I froze, gaping at her. Her eyes had gone wide and round. Dark smudges appeared underneath them – had she looked that tired the whole time?

  Then she sighed and the sound was bone weary, “My life may have been different to yours, Stacy, and I might think differently than you do now, but there’s one thing I know for sure: It’s easy to get caught up. It’s easy to end up in a place you didn’t plan. And sometimes it’s easy to feel like you’ve painted yourself into a corner. When that happens, you make choices maybe you wouldn’t otherwise…” She trailed off and I held my breath. When she didn’t continue, I whispered, “What happened…?”

  Older Me swallowed, looked away, jaw pushed forward. “You don’t have to make the choices I made.”

  I groaned. “Of course, sorry. I should have known there was no way you’d actually share from your apparently vast range of experience.”

  “Stacy.”

  “No, no, just leave me alone. Thanks for making me feel cheap.” I turned on my heel and threw the bathroom door open. She called after me, but I didn’t reply. I didn’t want to talk anymore.

  In fact, I wasn’t sure I’d ever have anything to say to her, ever again.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  I’m looking at the clock. Only three more hours. And that’s assuming they don’t make me stay for the paperwork.

  What can I say to convince him to let me out of here?

  Doctor touches my knee and I jump, jerking to look at him. His eyes are wary.

  Oh crap, did I say that out loud?

  “Tell me why you decided to go to prom with Dex, even when, at your own admission, you two weren’t close?”

  I roll my eyes. “You make it sound like it was a big deal. I was seventeen and it was junior prom. I wanted to go.”

  Doc’s lips purse. “I know there is more to it than that, Stacy. Perhaps to do with Mark?”

  “No there isn’t! I wasn’t thinking that deeply back then–”

  “Stacy, I know this is hard, but if we’re going to get through this, you have to open up.”

  “I am being open.” Even I’m not convinced by my breathy voice. “I told you about who I see in the mirror.”

  Doc quirks an eyebrow. “Yet you don’t want to discuss the decisions you made with her. I know we’re approaching some difficult events. But if you’re serious about your release, you have to be willing to talk things over, even if they’re painful.”

  “Going to prom with Dex wasn’t painful!” Not the way he means it, anyway.

  “Stacy–”

  “No! I’m sick of this. I’m sick of everyone deciding they know what’s going on in my head. Some things aren’t deep!”

  “Yet, those very things can have incredibly deep consequences.”

  I growl in frustration. It’s like being sixteen again. Everyone wants me to live the way they think is right. Make the decisions they would make.

  I’m sick of it.

  My tension ratchets higher.

  “Are you completely nuts?” Mark hissed in my ear.

  We stood at my locker. The first bell of the morning was about to go and I smiled because I was going to junior prom and Mark thought it was a bad idea, which meant he cared.

  “What?” I slammed the door shut and clicked the lock in place, started down the hall without meeting his eye.

  “You can’t go to Finn’s after prom!”

  “Why not?” I stopped midstride and turned to face him – then took a small step back.

  Mark loomed over me, his shoulders blocking my view of everything behind him. His jaw was set, and those lines creased his brow. When he leaned in, it didn’t feel conspiratorial. It felt threatening. “It’s always trouble when you and Finn are anywhere near each other.” He muttered a curse. “Honestly, it’s like you want him to make you miserable.”

  I gripped the straps of my bag so hard my knuckles turned white. “Dex asked me to the dance. And he asked me to come to a party with him after. I didn’t know it was at Finn’s until after I said yes. And you’re a jerk for saying that.”

  Turning on my heel, I stormed down the hall, Mark right alongside, bumping my shoulder because he walked so close.

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” he muttered in my ear. “But you’re asking for trouble. This isn’t just a party. It’s at Seaside. Everyone’s drinking and staying overnight. You won’t be able to just leave and walk home, you know that right?”

  “Yes,” I said through gritted teeth.

  We turned the corner into the main hall just as the bell screamed overhead.

  “Stacy, stop!” Mark grabbed my arm and pulled me around. He looked mad.

  “What is your problem?!” I jerked my arm out of his grip. “I’m going, okay? I’ll stay out of Finn’s way.”

  “And what about Dex?” he hissed. “It’s an overnighter, Stace.” He let the implication hang.

  I met his blazing eyes with my own and stuck my chin out. “Are you going?”

  He frowned. “Yes, but–”

  “Are you taking Karyn?”

  His eyebrows shot up and his mouth dropped open. “That’s not… I mean…” he spluttered.

  A little part inside me died because I wanted him to say no. I wanted him to say he wouldn’t if I didn’t. Or something. Anything. But I could see the double-standard clicking into place behind his eyes, so I scoffed and started walking again. “I’ll see you in art,” I called over my shoulder.

  And when I made it to class without seeing him again it answered the last of my doubts.

  “Overnight?” Mom chewed on the word.

  “Yes.”

  “With boys?”

  “Yes.”

  She stood at the kitchen counter, stirring pasta sauce into noodles. “And you’re going with Dex again?”

  “Yes.”

  “Will Mark be there?”

  “Yes, Mom.” I rolled my eyes. Nerves shrilled in my stomach because I was suddenly sure she’d say yes. That was kind of disturbing. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised.

  Stir, stir, stir. Then Mom sighed and put the wooden spoon on the counter, speaking to it instead of me. “I guess… I mean, I went overnight with my date after my prom. I can’t see why…”

  Oh, Lord, what is she thinking? She’s going to say yes!

  “But, Stacy, you’re going to have to promise me you’ll be careful.” She finally met my eyes.

  “I wil
l be.”

  “I’m not joking, Stacy.”

  “I’m not laughing.”

  Her lips pressed together. For a second I was sure she’d finally act like a real Mom and start yelling about how ridiculous it was that I’d think I could do something so irresponsible and how it was only a mark of my immaturity that I couldn’t see I wasn’t ready for this step.

  But she didn’t.

  She picked up the spoon and started stirring again – a little faster than before.

  Then she smiled. “Try to find a blue dress. You look best in blue.”

  “So…you’re definitely going?” Older Me whispers, peering over her shoulder.

  I nod. “It’s weird but…I don’t want to miss it.”

  Older Me nods too, but she doesn’t smile. Her face is pinched. Little white lines of tension frame her mouth. She’s twitchy. She keeps looking over her shoulder. She’s lost weight recently, too. I noticed this because I barely saw her for the past month.

  “You haven’t been around much,” I say, wishing it didn’t sound like I was pouting.

  “I’m sorry about that,” she whispers, glancing to the side again. “But right now…it’s hard.”

  “Why?”

  She sighs and her eyes close. “Because it has to be. It’s the only way. You’ll see. Eventually…you’ll see.”

  Well, that wasn’t cryptic or anything. I frown. She meets my eyes finally, but there’s nothing but worry painted on her face.

  “Older Me–”

  “I have to go,” she says suddenly. I don’t bother trying to catch her. It always ends this way now.

  Doc clears his throat, jerking my attention back to him. “The paintings,” he says.

  I nod once, furious that he had them. “Did you see all of them?”

  “Yes.” He’s trying to force me to talk. It isn’t going to work.

  But then I catch sight of the clock and, oh, gawd, it’s getting close. All this work. All this risk.

  “So, the Dex one…” I say. My voice is hoarse. I clear my throat.

  He nods.

  I nod too. “Two dimensional,” I say.

  He sighs. “Stacy, I don’t think Dex’s portrait is the one we need to focus on.”

  But I do. Because it’s safe. And right now all I can think is, have I made a mistake?

  The clock says 12:16.

  I bolt to my feet, pacing, breathing, trying to get it together.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Before prom night arrived it felt like it would be an achievement just to be there. Like cymbals should crash and a choir should sing, heralding the moment I walked in the door.

  The reality was anticlimactic. And frightening.

  A large wooden staircase climbed one wall of the foyer. It led to the staff room, but tonight it was set up with a drop cloth for photographs.

  At its base a weary looking guy with a beard stood next to a tripod and a silver umbrella thingy, shouting directions at the group of students on the stairs throwing themselves around.

  A messy line of couples snaked around the room and all the way out the door.

  Just behind the photographer, the junior rec room crowd milled, their voices rising in a concert of greetings when Dex and I joined them. A few even said my name – then laughed.

  I scanned the crowd and found Mark standing next to an island of chignoned, platinum hair.

  Karyn.

  I couldn’t see her face, but the frown that furrowed Mark’s brow spoke volumes. He leaned down and gestured, pointing back towards the parking lot.

  Her sleek roll of hair swung side to side and her hands danced in front of her. Whatever she said, Mark stared at the roof – his favorite way to take a breath when he was irritated. I stifled a smile. It faded quickly though, when I realized whether they were fighting or not, he was still there with her.

  Then the crowd on the stairs filed down, stumbling over each other, the girls shrieking and falling into the bannisters while the guys pulled each other into headlocks.

  Dex laughed and called something to one of the guys, who swore good-naturedly and took a slap on the arm from his girlfriend.

  Everyone looked so happy.

  The flustered photographer hunched over his camera, scowling. But soon he nodded, waving us to the stairs.

  I gripped Dex’s hand and pulled him forward. No way would I stand at the front of this picture where someone would make rude gestures behind me.

  Unfortunately, that meant we were the first ones in place. I ended up perched at the top on the left. Everyone arranged themselves, trading places and nudging into gaps. Dex stood next to me, but all his attention was on Finn.

  Finn had each arm flung over the shoulder of a girl. Had he brought two of them? I only recognized one, which meant the other was either younger, or from outside our school. They giggled and flirted with him while he preened and yelled at the other guys, showing off. I couldn’t imagine what either of them saw in him. Then he leaned into the ear of one, his lips brushing her hair.

  I don’t know what he said, but she colored and slapped his chest. Despite this apparent protest, she immediately snuggled closer under his arm and beamed up at him.

  So Finn had a pretty tongue when he decided to use it, huh?

  I felt eyes on me before I saw them.

  At the far end of the row, six or seven bodies away, Mark looked sideways and up, staring at me. But his face went was blank. He didn’t say anything, or move, but his eyes didn’t leave mine either.

  When I finally broke the gaze, my eyes slid over Karyn. Her gaze skittered away, and she turned to face the front. Had she seen Mark and me staring? I hoped so.

  Another quick glance revealed she’d turned her back on Mark with her lips pressed tight together and her arms folded.

  Excellent.

  “Okay, okay everybody, eyes front please.” The bearded photographer clapped his hands and we all turned to face him.

  The photographer’s raised voice had drawn the eyes of everyone in the lobby. Though those in the crowd below continued talking, all eyes passed over us, evaluating. Judging.

  A number of people looked at me, frowned, tapped friends or pointed. My stomach twisted, then there was a burst of laughter from a group of girls at the front and suddenly I was sure everyone in the foyer was laughing at me.

  I twisted around to see if someone had slid in behind me. But no one was there, nothing was stuck to me.

  “What’s wrong?” Dex murmured, his eyes cutting between me and the photographer.

  Everything. “Nothing.”

  The laughter rose again. I held my breath.

  Dex’s arm slipped around my waist and pulled me close. He glanced down at me from the side and winked, that radiant smile appearing on his face in response to the photographer’s demand we all chant “Cheese!”

  Pop flash.

  Pop flash.

  Pop flash.

  The photographer’s head rose from his viewfinder, both hands waving us towards the center.

  “You guys need to cram up a little better. You at the top, you’ve got too much space. Push into your man and smile!”

  I leaned forward to look down the row and see who he was talking to. But he growled and said “You! Gingernut! Shove in!”

  Oh, crap, he meant me. I huddled up to Dex and forced a beaming smile as Finn muttered “Ginger Mutt, you mean.”

  The two girls tittered, my smile disappeared and the flash popped.

  Dex tapped Finn’s shoulder. “Not tonight, remember?”

  Finn glanced over his shoulder at Dex. I have no idea what had passed between them, but Finn shrugged and turned back to the front in time for the next shot – which I also missed for staring at Dex.

  Remember what?

  Dex didn’t meet my eye, so I was forced to pretend I hadn’t noticed, hug his arm and get my lips curled up in time for the next picture.

  “Okay, everyone go nuts, this is your last shot! Ready? Three… two…”
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  Girls shrieked and threw themselves into their dates arms. One guy did a handstand. Arms flew, faces twisted and the photographer was about to take the shot.

  Dex looked at me and I did the only thing that came into my head: grabbed him by the neck and pulled him down for a kiss.

  Pop flash.

  And from the gathered crowd a chorus of “Ooooo!” and wolf-whistles.

  Dex pulled back, smiling. I blushed, but didn’t care. A smattering of applause rose.

  It wasn’t until I caught a look at Mark’s face – all tight and disapproving – my own grin dissolved. Then that made me mad, so I waggled my eyebrows at Dex. His eyes brightened. He pulled me into a dip and planted another kiss on.

  The applause turned into a roar.

  As Dex pulled me upright with a wink, Finn muttered something I didn’t catch. But I didn’t care, because for once it felt like I’d done something right.

  Fighting a grin, I followed Dex down the stairs and along the hall. A couple guys whistled and whooped at us. Dex chuckled and threw his arm over my shoulder as we made it to the auditorium. “Nice move, Stellar.”

  I elbowed his side instead of responding, his nickname deflating me like a pricked balloon. A few guys high fived Dex on our way out, and a couple girls laughed and jostled me. I let myself smile. It felt good. Like I was a part of something.

  The auditorium had been transformed, the cavernous space softened by white drapes on the walls, scattered tables at every side, and flashing, colored lights.

  As we weaved between tables and bodies to a large, oval table at the back corner, my good feelings vanished. Everyone laughed and joked with their friends. But each girl I passed turned away to whisper to a friend, and every guy kept his eyes fixed on whoever he spoke to.

  No one even wanted to acknowledge I was there.

  The only face I could have imagined smiling was Mark’s.

  Unable to help myself, I scanned the table until I found him, huddled in a corner with Karyn. He stared at her while she talked.

  I sighed. I wouldn’t be able to rely on Mark’s help tonight. I really was in this with Dex.