Breakable Page 23

  Her reaction shocked me. I took a step back, stammering because I wasn’t sure whether to tell her the truth or not. “I didn’t… I mean, I wasn’t clear…it isn’t as bad as you think–”

  “TELL ME WHAT YOU WROTE DOWN!”

  She looked like a woman possessed, eyes wide so the whites showed all the way around.

  “Stop yelling! I didn’t tell him about you, exactly. I just said that I had a secret…about why I talked to myself all the time.”

  “Oh man oh man oh man oh man…” her voice trailed off, but her lips kept moving. She paced back and forth in front of the mirror, eyes squeezing shut, then flying open. Tears spilling over. But she acted like she didn’t even realize she was crying.

  “The mirror. Did you mention the mirror?”

  “I…” I slumped. “Yes.”

  “Oh, no. Oh, no.”

  Her reaction scared me. “Older Me, why are you–?”

  “I told you never to tell anyone, Stacy. I told you we couldn’t ever tell anyone, especially Mark. Why couldn’t you listen to me?”

  “I told you, I didn’t explain it.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” she breathed, one hand raking through her hair. “He’ll know. He’ll know. He’ll put it together and… oh, gawd. Stacy, you’ve ruined everything.”

  “Ruined what? I didn’t tell him!”

  She whirled to face me. “You don’t have to! He’ll guess!” she sobbed. “Stacy, don’t you get it?! I tried to keep you away from him. I tried to tell you he couldn’t ever know about me! It was so important… The most important…”

  “I don’t understand.”

  She shuddered, then sagged. Her chin dropped to her chest. “Stacy… Mark put me in a hospital. I’m…I’m in an institution because he thinks…” She groaned and covered her face. “Finally, finally you break the pattern,” she breathed, “and it had to be this?” Her hands flew to cover her mouth and her eyes squeezed shut. “Why did it have to be this?”

  “I don’t understand. Pattern? What are you–”

  “I didn’t want you to know. I couldn’t let you think he was your future because if I could go back and change it, I would. Stacy, you know what he’s like. He just…he keeps trying to fix me. Trying to convince me that I need help. And he’s so angry when I refuse...” she trailed off.

  “You’ve been avoiding me because…you’re in hospital? We’re crazy?” I hissed.

  Her eyes appeared from behind her hands. “No, Stacy. No. We aren’t. You have to trust me.”

  “Trust you?!” I couldn’t breathe. It was all coming together in my head. She’d been lying. About all of it. “You let me think I had no future with Mark when you were married to him! You let me think you were scared of your husband, when you were in an asylum. You made me think the only way out of this life was – Older Me! You lied! You lied to me about everything!”

  “I’m sorry!”

  “Why would you do that?”

  “I want you to be happy! I want you to be free of all this! And you can’t if you stick with him. Stacy, you have to believe me…”

  I stumbled away from her, but came up against the wall. So I turned, needing to move. But there were only four paces between the walls of this bathroom. No space to think. No space to breathe. “How could you lie to me? How could you leave me in the dark? How could you?!”

  “Stacy, please, believe me–”

  I stopped cold. Then turned on her. The closer I got to the mirror, the further she backed away.

  “Believe you? Why should I believe a single word that comes out of your mouth? You’ve been lying to me for years!” Feelings of fear and rage spiraled through my chest. Mark was her husband, but he thought she was nuts. And she’d lied to me about it! All of it! Mark was her husband…

  “Stacy, please–”

  “I have to get out of here. I can’t be near you right now.”

  “Don’t. Don’t leave. You have to let me explain. We have to figure out–”

  I met her eye and she cut herself off. I shook from head to foot, prayed that every ounce of rage and betrayal was painted on my face for her to see. “I never want to see you again. I will not listen to one more word you say. I will not believe you. Ever.”

  “Stacy!”

  She kept screaming at me, but I let the words hit my back and fall to the floor. I couldn’t believe I’d trusted her. I couldn’t believe I’d wasted time being afraid of what she’d think. And the things she said about Mark…

  I was halfway to the door when I stumbled to a halt. My stomach dropped.

  In her life when he learned the truth he’d had her committed. But in my life, he was going to find out before we even got together.

  The effect would be catastrophic.

  There would be no college reunion for us.

  There would be no marriage.

  No future.

  She’d taken everything. She’d ruined everything.

  “I hate you.” The words came out as a bare murmur. The way she was yelling, I didn’t think she’d hear. But her cries cut off as if she’d been shot.

  I didn’t turn. Didn’t look at her. Didn’t have to.

  “Don’t say that,” she sobbed. “You can’t–”

  “I hate you.” Since the day those words had become a weapon against me, I’d never used them toward another human being.

  But they were true.

  “You can’t hate me! I’m you!”

  I did turn then. Let her see the truth in my face. “Exactly. That’s what you’ve given me.”

  Her mouth dropped open.

  I swallowed hard. Little thumps and bumps still came from the other side of the door, along with echoes of voices in the hall. I wished for privacy, but this was the best I would get for a while, so I stepped right up to the mirror and whispered to her.

  “Tonight I had him. I could have had him. But…but I thought…” I squeezed my eyes closed, pushed away the memories of his heat. “You’ve been so busy lying and hiding, you couldn’t see what you were doing to me. You’ve taken everything. Everything I want. Everything I need. You’re worse than Mom.”

  Her head jerked back like I’d slapped her.

  A hand thumped on the door again. “Stace?”

  “Dude, leave her alone.”

  “Mind your own business, Mark.”

  Oh, no. Mark was there. My Mark. Outside the door…

  I wanted to throw myself out there and into his arms. I wanted to run so I’d never have to see his face again. But Older Me was frozen in front of me.

  She swallowed hard, her eyes flickering from my face to her own hands. “You…you don’t understand,” she whispered. “You will. I promise. I had to do it. For you. Right now it feels like–”

  “RIGHT NOW EVERYTHING IS RUINED!” I screamed.

  All voices on both sides of the mirror, went silent. I could almost hear everyone in the room behind me holding their breath.

  “He isn’t perfect, Stacy.” Her words came out fast, clipped. “You’ve got him up on this pedestal and… when you get close to someone you find out they aren’t quite the person you thought they were–”

  “So I should have jumped into bed with Dex then?”

  Her lips pressed together and her chin wobbled. “Stop it. I’m telling you the truth. Everything I’ve done, it’s all been for you. It’s all been to help you–” My door rattled again. Older Me cut off, looking over my shoulder. “Are you…?”

  “Stacy? Stacy, come out. We’ll talk.” It was Mark. He sounded worried I wanted to go to him. Talk to him. I wanted to be his.

  But Older Me stepped forward again. “You said you could have… that Mark would have slept with you. Why’d you stop?”

  I wanted to bite something. “Because…because he has a girlfriend. And I didn’t want to be a cheater like she is…”

  “Good.” Her eyes closed and her chin dropped. “You only get one shot at this, Stacy. Don’t do anything until it’s right. Until you know it
’s right. I’ll be here until…until you don’t need me anymore. I will. And I’m helping. I promise. If Mark wants to be with you, he’ll still want it tomorrow. He’ll break up with Karyn. He’ll be there the way you need him. He’ll wait.”

  “But what if he doesn’t?” I cried and the door rattled again. I was so confused. I couldn’t wrap my head around Older Me lying and being married to Mark, and how I’d left him when he wanted me…

  “Who’re you talking to, Stace? Open the door. Please!”

  “Get lost, jerk, she’s my date.”

  I looked at Older Me and she looked back me.

  “I love you,” she whispered. “I do. And one of these days…one of these days you’ll realize it.”

  And somehow the word penetrated my skin, pressed into my muscles and bones and…felt real.

  But I was so angry with her.

  Before I could figure out how to respond a big bang sounded on the door and I jumped.

  “Back off, Dex!”

  “Guys, guys, we’re talking about Watson here. Seriously, let’s go drink. She’ll crawl out eventually.”

  Mark snapped “Shup UP, Finn.”

  “I’m leaving now.” I didn’t want to look them all in the face. But I couldn’t stand there with her for another minute. “I hope you’re happy.”

  “Stacy, please–”

  But I turned my back on her and flipped the lock open.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  The clock says 1:05pm. My stomach tightens.

  Doc sighs, removes his glasses, and rubs his eyes. He doesn’t look soft. He frowns at his watch, then says, in a tight voice, “Perhaps this is a good place to stop for lunch, Stacy. What do you think?”

  I’m suddenly unsure of him. He isn’t measuring me. He’s blank.

  “But, we’re just getting to the good stuff!” I titter, the false lightness in my voice especially obvious when I try to laugh. It comes as a croak.

  He shakes his head. “I think I can manage the wait.”

  The dryness in his tone puts a chill in my bones. He shouldn’t be willing to walk away from this. And I don’t want time to think right now, time for life to move slowly. We’re getting so close.

  Part of me wishes it would never come. But the rest of me aches to push time forward. To get there. To get this over with…

  Doc closes my file, placing it on the table next to the lamp. “Why don’t you go get some lunch? Strengthen yourself for the upcoming…trial.”

  He tries a tight grin. I can’t return it.

  He rises to his feet, looking at me until I stand too. He leads me to the door – the one that isn’t locked, that only leads deeper into the hospital.

  “Doc, I–”

  “Stacy, have a break. Eat something. Consider what it is we’re trying to do here. Because right now I feel we are at odds.”

  Funny. I’ve felt that way the whole time.

  I swallow hard. “No, we aren’t.”

  His smile is tight and insincere as he indicates the door. “Just give it some thought. I’ll see you in half an hour.” He pulls the door open for me.

  When I pulled open the bathroom door in Finn’s parent’s beach house, Mark was standing profile to me, looking at someone in the hall. He whirled.

  For a split second the image of him in later years – slightly heavier, still devastatingly handsome – superimposed over his wary face. I wanted to rush into his arms and tell him everything. But as he stepped forward with a gentle “Stace?” it wasn’t the hush of tamped desire, but a careful, wary whisper.

  By hiding the truth from me she’d ruined everything.

  A few guys loitered in the hallway. I could see them through the open bedroom door, talking, glancing inside, no doubt formulating stories for Monday.

  Mark cleared his throat. “Look, we need to go talk somewhere–”

  “Hey, get in line. Just because your date left.” Dex pushed forward.

  Mark turned on him, but I grabbed his arm, stepped ahead of him. I didn’t want this to get out of hand. “Let me talk to him.”

  Mark snapped his head around to look at me, incredulous.

  Dex gave a smug smile and pushed him aside. “Yeah, see?”

  With a warning look at Mark I stepped up to Dex and slapped his face. I put my weight behind it. The crack echoed against the vaulted ceiling.

  Mark and Finn’s jaws dropped. All conversation in the hallway ceased.

  Dex stared at me, wide eyed, rubbing his cheek. “What was that for?”

  “You should have taken your chances with Belinda,” I said. “Because you’ve got zero chance with me.”

  Dex’s mouth dropped open. But instead of waiting for a response I walked over to Finn whose face was wide with amusement until his eyes dropped to meet mine.

  “I find it really interesting that it was Terese’s mom who called all the other parents tonight. I mean, who called her?”

  Finn’s eyes narrowed. “We’re pretty sure it was you.”

  I bit my lip and pretended to think about it. “Weird, ‘cause Terese’s numbers are all private – I know, because my caller ID can’t pick it up when she texts me about how fat I am. So I don’t actually know her number – couldn’t even find it when I tried to get it blocked. So…who has it? I don’t.”

  Finn’s face went blank.

  “Do you have her number, Finn? Don’t your moms play tennis, or something?”

  There was a flash of alarm behind Finn’s eyes, but he covered it well. Instead of responding, he folded his arms and moved aside, tipped his head at the door. “If you aren’t putting out, there’s no reason for you to be here. So leave.”

  “Hey!” Mark sprang forward, but I put a hand up to stop him and turned back to Finn.

  “You didn’t answer the question.”

  Finn leaned into my face until we were almost nose-to-nose. “This is my party. Why would I want to ruin it? Oh, wait, I already did – letting you show up.”

  Ignoring his jab, I shook my head. “I know why,” I said quietly, holding his gaze.

  “Why?” Mark snapped.

  Finn’s eyes narrowed, but I could see him tense.

  I pushed past him, praying he’d let me go. He didn’t want me to expand on that in front of Mark.

  The guys in the hallway saw me coming. They whistled and catcalled.

  “Stacy, what was that all about? Stacy!” Mark caught my arm just outside the door. I pulled it back and kept going, pushing through a bunch of guys I didn’t know, toward the stairs.

  “Stace, stop.”

  “I can’t.” I started down the stairs, the hair on the back of my neck at attention, terrified of what might come at me if I stopped moving.

  Mark’s feet thumped on the stairs behind me.

  “Wh–”

  “I have to get out of here, Mark. Can I have your car, please? Finn will give you a ride home tomorrow.”

  “But Stacy, we need to talk.”

  “Not tonight. I can’t do anymore tonight.”

  “I didn’t mean do anything. I said talk.”

  We’d reached the bottom floor. Bumps and shouts rose overhead, but there were no feet on the stairs. Yet.

  Music still pounded out of the empty living room. I took a right at the bottom of the stairs and headed for the kitchen.

  “Stacy, stop!” Mark grabbed my arm again. I stopped, whirled on him.

  But he leaned in close, glancing around for listeners. My heart throbbed.

  “Why did you run away…out there?” he asked softly.

  “Because you have a girlfriend!” I hissed.

  Mark flinched, his fingers loosened on my arm.

  “I hate her, Mark. And not just because she has you. She’s…she’s evil. She’s not being honest with you. And…” I stared at him, asking myself if I could risk the truth, knowing I couldn’t, but hoping, desperately hoping he’d tell me he never wanted to see Karyn again. That he’d tell me he was in love with me. That it would be a differe
nt story for me and Mark – that I could tell Older Me she had it wrong. That he loved me so much I could never be miserable with him. But he didn’t move or speak.

  Images of him leaning in to kiss me, his hands cupping my face, the delicious sensations of his touch, bombarded me. If he’d leaned in then, I wouldn’t have said no. I wouldn’t have had the strength. I was desperate to be able to touch him again.

  But he just ran a hand through his hair, then shoved his hands in his pockets. His shirt still flapped around his hips. My fingers tingled with the memory of his skin.

  “Stay,” he said, not meeting my eyes. “I’ll make them leave you alone.”

  I shook my head, aching for him to touch me again. “It’s better this way. No one will be able to say we were cheating…”

  Mark stiffened and I wished I hadn’t said it. “Stace–”

  “It’s okay,” I whispered, backing away. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “No, I didn’t mean it that way. Tonight… You weren’t the one cheating.”

  I snorted to cover the tears. “Story of my life.”

  He tried to say something else, but I cut him off. “Look, forget about it, okay? I’m done. This is like, one of the worst nights of my life. I just want to get out of here and forget it ever happened.”

  Mark frowned. In the dark his eyebrows pressed together like a couple fists. “All of it?”

  Oh, gawd. I wanted to use my fingers to smooth those wrinkles out of his forehead. I want to squeeze him until he couldn’t breathe. I wanted him.

  I shook my head. “Of-of course not. But… but you have a girlfriend and I’m a social leper and… it’s just too hard.”

  I was giving him an out. I wanted him to talk me out of it – tell me he didn’t care about Karyn, or what his friends thought. I wanted him to fight. But he just stood there, staring.

  Hope died in my chest. I stepped back. “Those guys aren’t ever going to let this go. I have to leave. You know that. Can I have your car? Please?”

  Mark nodded and reached into his pocket for his keys. He held them out, placing them carefully in my outstretched hand.

  I took them and turned. I walked slow enough that if he came after me, tried to stop me, he wouldn’t have had any trouble catching me.