Breakable Read online

  Inwardly slapping myself for even asking the question, I swallowed hard and resolved to go along with… whatever.

  The remaining twenty minutes were silent except for my heart thumping in time with the movie soundtrack. Dex’s fingers gripped mine and a couple of times his thumb traced along the side of my hand, igniting shivers, raising the hair on my arm.

  When one of the other guys got up to get a drink Dex let go of my hand. He leaned into my ear and whispered “Just don’t tell anyone, okay?”

  “So, you two were dating.”

  Were we? I suppose. “Yes.”

  “And?”

  “And, we had this, like, secret relationship for almost a year.”

  “Secret? How do you manage that at high school?”

  I shrug and hiss again, cursing my body. I’m trying to let Doc know this is no big deal. At least, not the way he wants to think it is.

  But my scars still remind me what happened every time I move.

  Still, it’s better than the days when I’d cry just trying to roll over in bed.

  “Stacy?”

  Sigh. “I don’t know. We’d talk on the phone. Sometimes at school. But we never touched in public. And we didn’t tell anyone. If we went on a date, it was to the next town over so we wouldn’t run into anyone we knew.”

  Doctor’s frowning at his notebook and scribbling furiously. It makes me nervous. Then his hand stops skittering across the paper. “Why did you break up?”

  “He left.”

  Doc waits. I roll my eyes. “Well, I thought he got expelled from school. When I didn’t hear from him, I assumed he was being disciplined by his parents. But…”

  “But?”

  “But that wasn’t right. He was a drug addict. Turns out he did take a swing at the teacher who caught him tagging the gym. But his Dad made a deal with the school that he’d go to live-in-rehab, and if he could stay clean for nine months, they’d let him come back.

  He’d always been moody. Sometimes disappeared for days without an explanation. When his head was clear, he was amazing. But he disappeared just when I thought we were getting serious. I’d been left thinking he hadn’t even cared enough to tell me goodbye.

  Doctor’s brows dip over his nose. “I assume you would have been happy for people to know you were dating Dex?”

  “Yeah. I guess. But I wasn’t ever sure that’s what we were doing, so...”

  “So he hid you. From your peers.”

  “Yes. You don’t need to make it sound so serious. We were fifteen.”

  “Yes. Yet most of your peers were very overt about their relationships, weren’t they?”

  I snort. “Dex was an outcast too. A druggy.”

  “An outcast too afraid to let his peers know he was attracted to you.”

  “Thanks for putting it that way.”

  Doctor sighs and shifts in his seat. “Stacy, I’m sorry he did that to you.”

  Having prepared myself to defend against a lecture on respecting myself, I’m off balance. I don’t answer.

  “It concerns me though, that you were willing to accept that kind of relationship. It says a lot about how you gauge your own value.”

  Yeah, yeah. “Past history, Doc. Dex wouldn’t get within five feet of me now.”

  “By your choice, or his?”

  Probably both. “Mine. Look, I know you’re going deep here, but this is old news now. It doesn’t have anything to do with what happened.”

  “Perhaps not directly, but I think your perspective on yourself has a lot to do with the very drastic situation you found yourself in.”

  Oh, gawd. “With all due respect–”

  Doc raises his hands. “We’ll move on in a moment. Let me ask you one more question: If you walked out of here today and someone you admired – say, someone like Mark – were to ask you to get involved in a secret relationship now. Would you do it?”

  Totally. “No.” I’d have hair implants and call myself a cat if it meant Mark would stroke me one more time.

  Doc stares at me and there’s a disconcerting second where I’m sure he can read my mind. But he just writes something on his pad. “So, Dex left. But then he returns. I take it by the surprise you expressed that he hadn’t told you he was coming?”

  “No.”

  “And did he attempt to reignite this secret relationship?”

  “Sort of...”

  I ran out of class as soon as the bell rang that afternoon, intending to get home to talk to Older Me. But I was barely out the gates when Mark pulled over in his truck and pushed the passenger door open.

  “Thanks,” I said as I clambered in. He nodded.

  He put the truck in gear and pulled back into the road, raising a hand to someone as they passed.

  “So, Dex is back,” he said quietly, as soon as we were moving.

  “Subtle,” I said dryly.

  Mark raised an eyebrow, but kept his eyes on the road. “You okay?”

  “I’m fine. Why?”

  He did glance at me then. “Oh, I don’t know. The guy that screwed with your head and then disappeared has just showed up again. I guess I might have worried you’d be a little upset.”

  I shrugged. “I was surprised. But we talked and he seemed–”

  “When did you talk to him?” Mark snapped, glaring at me.

  I turned to look at him, surprised. “He waited for me in the library because he wanted to – wait, what are you aggravated about?”

  Mark returned his eyes to the road, but he was frowning. “I’m not aggravated. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. The guy’s a jackass.”

  “I wouldn’t argue with that.”

  “So, what are you doing talking to him?”

  “What, I should just walk past him and pretend I don’t see him when he’s right in front of me?”

  “Sounds like a plan to me.”

  I gaped. “Why are you being so harsh?”

  “Why are you defending him?”

  “I’m not defending him!”

  Mark’s knuckles were white from his grip on the steering wheel. His jaw flexed.

  His anger warmed me in a way. But I was floored by it. Why was he upset? It wasn’t like I was dating Dex again. Or even considering it. Not really.

  “You were a mess when he left,” Mark said quietly. “I don’t want you getting hurt like that again.”

  “Well, thanks,” I said. “But it isn’t going to happen. I’m smarter now. And he’s changed.”

  Mark snorted. “Changed his clothes, maybe.”

  “He’s been in rehab.”

  Mark’s eyebrows shot up. “That’s true?”

  “I think so. I mean, he looks really different. And he was acting different too.”

  The little muscles in his jaw twitched. We were almost to my house. I was desperate to talk to Older Me, but also kind of enjoying Mark’s concern.

  “Just don’t do anything stupid,” Mark said as we pulled into my driveway.

  “Oh, thanks.”

  “You know what I mean. Sometimes people aren’t as good as they look. Just because you want to believe they care, doesn’t mean they actually do.”

  The irony would have been delicious if it didn’t turn my stomach. Images of Finn and Karyn flashed through my head. I could feel the weight and shape of the words in my mouth.

  She’s cheating on you.

  He’s betraying you.

  But what I actually said was, “Thanks.”

  Mark looked skeptical, but offered a lopsided grin. “See you tomorrow.”

  “Yeah. Thanks for the ride.”

  It was hard to walk to the house and open the door without looking back. Hard not to watch him pull out and drive away. Hard not to call him back and confess everything.

  But I knew they were right. Even if Mark believed me (which I wasn’t certain of), no one else would. Mark wouldn’t just end up hurt by his friend and girlfriend. He’d be derided by everyone else for listening to me. I couldn’t
paint that kind of target on his back.

  I had to make sure he saw the truth with his own eyes.

  Which meant, Dexter or not, tomorrow I had to walk into the lion’s den.

  I shook my head as I crossed the living room and headed down the hall. Older Me wasn’t going to believe this.

  Older Me paced on the other side of the mirror, arms folded, mouth turned down. To me it looked like she was pacing on my floor. I wondered what room I was in for her.

  Every so often she’d glance nervously over her shoulder.

  “Rehab?!” she whispered.

  “That’s what he said. You should see him! He seriously looks like he just walked out of a magazine. I almost fell over when he showed up in the library.”

  She stopped pacing and turned, frowning so hard several lines formed in her brow. “Stacy, you have to stay away from him. You know that right?”

  “Of course.” Though to myself I’d admit a curiosity about this “new” Dex.

  “I’m serious.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’ve already had the lecture from Mark. Don’t you start in too.”

  “Mark? Mark lectured you?”

  “He drove me home today and acted like I’d already sacrificed myself at the Dexter Conway alter. Seriously.”

  Older Me chewed her lip. “It’s nice that he’s looking out for you.”

  “It’d be nicer if he’d open his eyes about his own friends,” I muttered.

  Older Me sagged. “Yeah…that…”

  I couldn’t get a read on her. She’d seemed surprised when I told her what I saw between Karyn and Finn. But I expected outrage – maybe even a speech about how I had to tell Mark the truth, regardless.

  Instead she just got quiet like this. Sad.

  “Will he figure it out?” I asked her, my voice so low it was almost a whisper. I didn’t want to break whatever reverie she was in. I didn’t want her to realize I was asking about our future.

  So I cursed when her eyes cut up to meet mine and the dazed, distant look disappeared. Then her head snapped around and she muttered something I didn’t catch. When she turned back to me, she wouldn’t meet my eyes. “Look, I have to go–”

  “Again?” She’d been running off almost every time we talked. I knew she had to be careful after Tom heard her yell the other night. But this was getting ridiculous.

  “I’m sorry. But…I have to go. My ride is here.”

  That was when I realized what had been bothering me ever since she showed up in the mirror. She looked…different. A little more put together than usual. She was in black slacks (a little too tight in the thighs) with a simple, collared button-up over the top. Her hair had been blown out. She had a little make-up on.

  “Where are you going?”

  She jerked to look at me. “Nowhere. I mean, just… work stuff.”

  “Since when do you work?”

  “Look, I have to go, Stacy. I’ll talk to you later, okay? Or maybe tomorrow. Just…just stay away from Dex. And whatever you do about the whole Mark and Karyn thing…just remember, no one’s perfect.”

  And with that totally random piece of advice, she walked out of the frame.

  I was left sitting on my carpet, staring at my own open mouth, wondering what I had missed.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The next morning, walking the halls was like flipping channels on TV – if all the channels were playing gossip talk shows. And all the talk shows featured Dex.

  “…heard his father threatened to sue the school if they didn’t let him back in…”

  “…He’s in my chemistry class. I sat right behind him. He looks even better with the jacket off…”

  “…wonder if it was one of those places where they make you go to church and stuff. He has that spiritual quality…”

  “…Dad said his parents make him see a psychiatrist for his repressed rage…”

  I rolled my eyes as my locker came into sight. It would have been funny if Dex hadn’t been such a jerk. Last year we would have found a quiet corner at lunch and laughed about it…If he was there. If he wasn’t off with his friends, or ditching.

  Knowing everyone else was talking about him – probably too scared to actually talk too him – made me want to find him. Figure out the truth.

  But my truth was, it made me shaky to be close to him. He looked so good. And part of me still missed him. But Mark and Older Me were right about one thing. He had been a jerk to me. And I was better off keeping my distance.

  Luckily this morning no one was close to my locker and Finn was nowhere in sight. I’d stayed away from the scene of yesterday’s humiliation for the rest of the day. Hopefully the little crowds gathered nearby were too busy discussing Dex to try and rehash the moment. My stomach sank as I reached for the lock that wasn’t there.

  My head spun in time with the twisting fear in my stomach.

  Finn’s face, grinning, smug. “You and your ugly face already ruined my life once. I’m not letting you do it again. You say one word to Mark, and he’ll find this in his locker. After copies go up all over school.”

  With trembling fingers I pulled the handle down and opened the door, grabbed my wallet and another notepad, closed the locker door and clicked it into place.

  “Hey, Stellar.” The voice slid like warm water on my skin. I froze.

  The corridor was much quieter than when I walked in. The whispers had almost stopped. Because he was here. Standing next to me. Waiting for me to answer.

  “Hey, Dex,” I said, hand still frozen on the locker handle, unable to meet his eyes.

  “Where you headed?”

  “I’ve, uh, got economics first,” I said, swallowing. I couldn’t see him clearly in my peripheral vision. But his looming shadow reminded me just how big he was.

  “Great. I’m in personal finance. I’ll walk you.”

  I still hadn’t looked at him. Needed to answer.

  “Okay.”

  Well, it was a start.

  Without looking up, I turned robotically and walked down the hall. Dex fell into step beside me, shortening his long strides to match mine.

  Everywhere, heads turned toward us, fixing first on him, with a mixture of admiration and fear, then dropping to me where the expressions ranged from confusion to a hearty sneer. No one spoke over a whisper.

  “Tough crowd,” Dex said lightly.

  I shrugged.

  He pushed open the fire doors into the main hall and waited for me to go through.

  I blinked. That was new. The Dex I knew hadn’t been introduced to chivalry. Or laundry powder. But as I passed through the door, turning sideways to fit alongside him, I caught a whiff of sunshine on leather, guy-flavored soap, and something him.

  I must have stared because as he stepped through and fell in alongside me again, he colored slightly and shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “Part of my program is taking my parents’ advice,” he said sheepishly. “Mom’s big on treating women like they’re ladies.”

  “That’s nice.” Nice? Dex?

  He shrugged again. “Actually, it feels weird. But it’s better than going to school in a hospital.”

  I really did look at him then. “Is that what you had to do?”

  “Sort of. It was a place just for teenagers. So sometimes we did classwork between sessions.”

  We turned the corner into the main hall and my heart tripped. Most mornings this was my gauntlet. Getting to the end of this hallway so I could turn into the Math wing had become a daily exercise in ignoring taunts, or side-stepping sly feet.

  Yesterday, after Finn’s joke, I’d fled outside, taken the long walk around in the rain just to avoid it.

  But apparently, today would be different.

  In the first few steps down the main corridor, we passed Belinda and Terese walking in the opposite direction. I braced for impact, but Belinda just smiled at Dex.

  “Hey, Dex,” Terese tittered.

  “Hi,” he said quietly, no smile.
/>   I wanted to kiss him.

  They both ignored me. I know because I turned to look over my shoulder and follow their progress. They kept looking back, whispering to each other. But their eyes only ever landed on Dex.

  “You know everyone’s talking about you, right?” I said without thinking.

  He snorted. “Yeah. Last year everyone thought I was a freak. But apparently rehab is Hollywood enough to make me glamorous or something. Belinda sat down with me at lunchtime yesterday. Can you believe that?”

  In those jeans…kind of. Yeah. “Not really.”

  “I know, right?”

  Suddenly I was bombarded with memories – all the reasons why I’d fallen for Dex. And first in line was that he understood how it felt to live under a social rock. But he’d always been so much stronger than me – fighting back when someone pushed him around; Refusing to dwell on the stupid things our classmates said; Not caring when someone tried to embarrass him.

  He’d seemed untouched by their hate. I wanted that.

  And he liked me. At least, he had. I think.

  Dex raised a hand to push open another fire door as we reached the end of the hall. He took off his jacket and looped it over one arm. His sleeves were rolled up almost to his elbows, revealing a coil of muscle on his forearm that made me swallow.

  When I realized he’d caught me looking, I blushed. But Dex just chuckled deep and warm. It rattled in my bones.

  He leaned down. “One of the best parts of rehab was the weight room,” he whispered. His breath tickled my ear. Then he stood straight and winked.

  For a second I was enjoying it. Walking the halls with this big guy that everyone was interested in. He was handsome and strong, and he wasn’t scared to be seen with me.

  But it hadn’t always been that way…

  I saw him in the hallway the day after our first real date. He stood, shoulders hunched, hands in his pockets, talking to a couple guys I didn’t know. I caught his eye over their shoulders and waved.

  He stiffened. And his eyes dropped.

  He didn’t smile back.

  I was suddenly glad we were approaching my room.

  “See you later,” I said, ducking past him towards my door.